June 5, 1999. Bethany Grace. It's been almost 26 years.

I was only 3 years old and so ready to be a big sister. So ready to have a baby sister.

I knew you were a girl, and I would get so upset when someone didn't believe me. "God told me she's a girl." I don't remember that, but I've heard many stories about me insisting you were a girl.
How do you explain to a 3 year old that her sister isn't coming home? How do you explain that she's getting a baby doll instead of a real baby. I'm not sure how my parents had that talk, how they were strong enough to do it. I don't know if it's a good thing or not that I don't remember much about those days. I remember Bethany Baby though, my little baby doll in a wicker basket. I didn't play with it much...I wasn't a fan of dolls, and truthfully at 29 years old I'm still not a fan.

The only thing I have from that day is a couple pictures. One of me holding my sister for the first and only time, and one of me, my parents, and Bethany..the last complete family picture we would ever take because from that day on, she would always be missing.

Growing up, I thought about her a lot. I had several friends who had sisters that would have been her age, and I often wondered if they would have been friends. My friends would complain about their sisters getting into their things and borrowing their clothes. I sat and wished my sister could steal my clothes, my brush, literally anything. I just wished she could be there.

As I've gotten older, I miss her more and more. There are so many life events that I wish she could have been a part of and I often think what her life would have been like. Would we have liked the same things? Would she have danced and been in band like me? Would we have the same style? Would she have the same taste in guys as me? (For my mom's sake, I hope not) What would it have been like to go prom dress shopping with her and for her? What would it have been like to go to college 5 hours away from home and leave her behind? And yes, many of these things and experiences I have had and loved with my brothers, but having a sister would have been a whole different experience.

There are so many life decisions that I've made all while wishing she could have been apart of them. So many times I've wondered if she had been here would I have made the same decisions? How different would my life look? But also asking..if she's looking down on me, is she proud of me?

About 10 years ago I decided that I wanted to start making the decoration flowers to go on her grave every year at decoration, and since then, every April my mom and I go to Boaz so I can sort through box after box of ugly silk flowers. It's the same story every year, I circle the store, grabbing random flowers as I go trying to match and imagine what they will look like in my head, I finally decide on what I think is best, grab way too much greenery and filler, go pay, and let the cashier shove my purchase into a trash bag. I always wait until the last minute to actually make the flowers because if we're being honest, it's very emotionally taxing. The entirety of decoration weekend is. But I do it because it's the only act of sisterly love I can show.

One year I was asked why I did it. I can still hear the question echo through my head, "Why do you do it? You know she's not really there?" That person exited my life for a number of reasons...I feel like she may have had a hand in that one.
But to answer the question...
I do it because I'll never help her pick out an outfit for a date.
I do it because she'll never get to judge me for my taste in guys.
I do it because I'll never see her get engaged or walk down the aisle.
I do it because I'll never see her with my kids.
I do it because we will never get to celebrate a birthday, graduation, Christmas, or any holiday together.
I do it because the list of things we missed out on grows every single day.

I do it because she's the sister I knew I was getting but never got to have.

She might be gone, but she'll never be forgotten.