One of the most frustrating yet beautiful things is when God tells us “no" or “not right now."
At the time, you may have agony or desperation for this one thing to work out in your life, but it slips away from you. You may ask God why. Why does He want you to be unhappy? Why does He want to take away your dreams?
At the time, you cannot see how much God truly is working in your life, but He is. In my life, every time that I was disappointed that a plan or dream didn't work out, I was devastated. I didn't want to be in a position where I was challenged and tested. I wanted all the blessings to flow and to fulfill what I thought was my plan in life. But that's exactly what it was: my plan.
I did not see at the time that that is not what God intended for me and that He actually had far greater plans than I did for myself. He needed to mold me into who I am supposed to be today. Along the way I have met the most amazing people that have had a huge impact on my life, have gone through the most amazing experiences with God, and I wouldn't trade going through all the trials because it has truly made me into the woman I am today.
“What God does in us while we wait is as important as what we are waiting for." – John Ortberg
God is continually, endlessly, working in our lives.
We may not see it, but He is. We may blame God for all the things that are going wrong in our lives, but we never see that in the end, we were supposed to go through the low valleys to get to the high, amazing, and beautiful mountains in our lives.
I truly believe that it's when you're at the bottom of the darkest pit in your life that you can actually see the light of God shining brightly upon you. During these times, pray to Him to lead you to understanding that this is all a part of His plan for you.
It hurts God to see that His child is suffering, but in order to carve out just the person that you are supposed to be, you must go through challenges. Where you are today is no accident. God is using the challenge you are in to shape you and prepare you for the place He wants you tomorrow. When it comes to God's plan, timing is absolutely everything.
Looking back on all the events that I had to endure before getting to where I am now, I know that I had to go through the trials in order to be just who I am today, which is happier than I have ever been because I know God and His plan for me. Waiting is the most difficult job of hope, but you must remain faithful and know that God is guiding you.
“When I wait, you strengthen my heart." Psalm 27:14
When you are waiting for God's righteous plan, don't lose faith in His goodness. He only wants the best for you, and in the end, you will look back and see just how much He truly was working in your life. Be patient and the blessings will flow.
I'm studying Freud now for maybe the 5th time
So I'm familiarized with his notorious line
It starts off as ID, ending at SuperEgo
Which helps you gauge if you're good, and hopefully not evil
It's the impossible goal to balance Ego in the middle
I think back on myself, trying so hard to fiddle
The morality dial to a place to that felt right
Where my mind was peace and my soul could feel light
I think now that I've made it, but I hadn't at first
So my earlier years were understandably the worst
My first day of grade school I was instantly smitten
Well aware that my guidelines had already been written
I was taught that fulfillment could be found in God's Word
His love the incentive with which I was lured
But she was just so damn sweet, with long hair and dark eyes
I hated myself for thinking same as the guys
Adam would never have lain down with a man
So to make it to Heaven, she was not in the plan
Later in life I was leaving high school
Taking dick, smoking pot and breaking rules to look cool
When on a contemplative car ride one night with my friend
My SuperEgo delusion came to a startling end
I asked, "Have you ever felt like you were missing a penis before?"
Her expression told me not to bring that up anymore
That night sent me deep into a pit of self loathing
I could pass as pure to my church, but felt absolutely nothing
I was shrink wrapped in guilt for the secrets I held
Taught that my kind were all children of the Angel that Fell
I felt I had failed, too wrapped up in desire
Postmarked now for down under as a fag, tranny and liar
Even though I would spend just two more years with God's son
I had denied who I was till the damage was done
All those times that I'd judged queer folks with disgust
Held me down like a freight train infested with rust
I internalized all the hatred I'd spread
Every comment placed pea-like in my soft Christian bed
That was the past, I breath easier now
But not without finding my "who" and my "how"
The person I'm now is so earthquakingly free
I mourn the years without girlfriends and the pronouns "him/he"
Pretty Boy is all honest, and that's pretty much "how"
I was able to end up at "who" I am now
It seems that its easy to find your Ego on the line
When your ID and your Super are authentically defined
But not by a god or a priest or a book
Right and wrong will come out if you're willing to look