God Loves Hawaiian Pizza: A Reply To The Haters

As both a strong advocate for pineapple on pizza and for moral decency (the two are practically intertwined), I find it necessary to reply to this article and state the case for the Hawaiian-Italian ambrosia.

We live in an era heralded as the Information Age, a time where cultures and societies have become intertwined, where human contact has continuously manifested itself time and time again in new and exciting ways. Pineapple on pizza combines the grand legacies of the Polynesian kingdoms of old, the gloried, the hagiographic empire of Rome. The sweetness of the tropics is combined with the savory taste of the Mediterranean. If that doesn’t say Information Age, I don’t know what does.

In the article I am replying to, lovers of Hawaiian pizza are condemned to a new, tenth circle of Hell as described in Dante’s "Inferno". I would like to refute this fact by citing a passage of Paradise Lost, the biblical epic written by John Milton.

I have no doubt Milton wrote in the character of Satan with Hawaiian pizza haters in mind. In Book 4, Satan states in lines 73-75: “Me miserable! Which way shall I fly / Infinite wrauth and infinite despair? / Which way I fly is Hell; myself am Hell.” Such is the state of existence lived in by pineapple pizza haters. Lost in a limbo that is a living Hell, they wander from place to place, unaware of their own satanic predicament. In rejecting the blessing of ambrosial pineapples upon their pizza slices, they shy away from God’s grace into the consuming darkness of mortality.

Regardless of your personal taste for pineapple on pizza, can’t we all agree that it is best and ultimately easier to encourage rather than discourage innovation? The human race has only gotten so far due to its inventive capacities. To deny Hawaiian pizza is to cast aside the principle of inventiveness itself, to disregard the rise of humanity. Religious or not, it is a, therefore, a sin against humanity to deny the pizza. It stands for so much more than the sum of its parts.

In all seriousness, I do personally like Hawaiian pizza. It might not be the most conventional, but I think it’s nice to have a bit of sugary sweetness to go with warm, savory cheese. That’s my take. I just figured since the other article cited Dante’s Inferno, I’d have to rise to its level. Anyway, dear readers, do not be lured by the haters into a personal Hell! Do yourself a favor and support pineapple on pizza. In doing so, I can assure you that you won’t be damned to the tenth ring of Hell.

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