Today was a challenging day. I awoke with a clear mind hoping to see messages from friends saying we did it, she won, Hillary won, we have our first woman in the White House, or tweets saying congratulations Madame president, or tweets of relief from my favorite musicians. That was not the case when I awoke this morning and saw on my phone several notifications and none of them seemed positive. So I immediately opened twitter and looked at the hashtags that were trending worldwide and the number one trend read “#HeIsNotMyPresident.” My heart stopped time, stopped everything, went silent, and I immediately went numb as tears began to roll down my cheeks. Donald Trump won the election. The man who promoted hate, fear, racism, and homophobia xeno/islamophobia, to name a few, had secured the highest position an American citizen could hold. He was going to be the face of our country. He was going to represent us to the rest of the world. I sat in shock as my mother came in my room to confirm what I hoped I only imagined reading. Her voice was small and filled with grim acceptance. I sat in bed for what felt like forever thinking about what this all meant. Realizing that my country just proved to me that it doesn’t give a damn about me or my life. That it prefers darkness to light and hate over love. I kept watching the clock knowing I had school today. I tried to get dressed. I tried to put it all out of my head. I couldn’t. Finally, I got dressed and dragged myself to the bus stop with the sky gloomy and grey, matching the tone of feelings of myself and so many others who feel helpless and lost. There weren’t many on the bus, but I could see on everyone’s faces and feel it in the atmosphere that there was pain. I tried not to think about it, I really did, but before I knew it once again I felt hot red, hot tears hitting my cheeks. How could this happen? How could this be? How could America be so cruel?

The whole time I kept trying to find my happy place, my inner quiet space and turn to God, I kept telling myself to just talk to God, just pray, and just trust him. In those moments that simple task felt impossible. I tried to keep telling myself this wasn’t real and that I would wake up at some point and everything would be as it was before. I saw the hurt, despair, and confusion on my fellow classmates faces. Many tried to comfort me or tell me not to worry, that it would be ok, but I couldn’t believe them. How would they know how I would end up? How could they secure my future and its safety? Especially when several of them (not faulting them for it) are white and would have a future anyways no matter who became the leader of the nation. A nation that was set up originally for them to win, for them to be the victors, not the women and minorities and immigrants that too call this nation their home. I didn’t expect them to understand but I DO expect them to be considerate, to listen, to acknowledge their privilege and use it to help out their brothers and sisters in need and not be ignorant about it and be TRUE allies. The day went by in a blur. I didn’t know what was what. I tried to alleviate the feeling by using several outlets to channel my energy. None of them seemed to work, and if they did it seemed so for only a moment.

I had a test in my final class of the day. I could barely focus no matter how hard I tried. I had to take several breaks and use all my effort to concentrate. But eventually I did finish. I tried to make jokes about the situation I tried to see the positives, I even mapped out a plan to move to Mexico and get a job at the Taco Bell in Mexico City and just spend my days living in a hotel eating fresh chips and salsa every day with the finest tequila at my disposal, with no one to remind me it's too late or too early to drink . I looked up the Mexican national anthem so I could sing along from the other side when the ‘Wall’ would go up and I could forget all about the tragedy that took place in America today. I will say though, I was completely and utterly blown away by the support from my international friends and loved ones. Especially my girl Melissa. Melissa lives in Canada and is one of the most important people in my life, she is my soulmate and although our connection is purely platonic and is a friendship, we can both say our love runs very deep! We talked about the election and then she told me when she saw her mother today that her mother asked her “So when’s Semaj coming?” That immediately warmed my heart and sent a fresh batch of tears to my dry and stinging eyes, but these were tears of love and joy for the second time the day and time stopped. I had finally felt the love that I was so sure had left. For a moment everything seemed alright, the color and good feeling came back in full force. I smiled.