Junior year was really tough for me. Finally diving into my major of sociology and my minor in criminal justice. The entire time, I kept thinking "if this is God's plan and if this is what He wants for me then I'll succeed." And I did. By the of this spring semester, I was so worried and stressed about my grades because many were on the borderlines. But God came through for me. He made me succeed, even when I felt like I was defeated.
Last semester I prayed to find an organization to belong to on campus. God brought me to Phi Lamb with a sorority of sisters who all love and encourage one another. God changed my heart. He taught me how to be more kind, more patient, more sincere, more genuine, more authentic, more me. I had a plan for myself. I knew I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, but God had something better in store for me. Everything was put in my path so that I could overcome it and I could be a better person because of it. If I hadn't found out that being a teacher wasn't in my cards, I wouldn't have found out what I really love learning about- sociology and criminal justice. This decision turned out to be a huge blessing, even though I didn't see it at the time.
This semester was also really difficult for me because I did the first 2 and a half months of classes while completely focusing and giving school my 110% to come home over spring break and find out that my grandpa had passed away with the first night of me being back home. I think my grandpa had a lot to do with my grades too because he knew that I was really interested in criminal justice just like he was. I could tell that he was excited for me and for the direction in which I am going. He always motivated and encouraged me. After returning to school at the end of March, I lost a little bit of motivation. Things had gotten harder for me and overall I felt like I was struggling a lot more than I was before. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't think of him, or write to him. I had to keep going, I had to. I had to make him proud and I had to make myself proud; which I know I did. I fought my way through the rest of the semester praying and hoping that I could handle it.
I know better than to let my grades define me and it's easier said than done. But I can't tell you how disappointed I felt to know that I didn't make the grade I wanted or the grade that I thought I had earned when I got a C instead of a B in a class. I always have stuff in the back of my mind, all the time. My mind had flashbacks of the many hard days at school or the late nights of studying or all of the hard work I had put in. Here's that word again that I'm thinking of: ENOUGH. "Why am I not enough? Did I not do enough? Did I not study enough? Did I not try hard enough?" I think that's the controlist and perfectionist in me, always striving to be better and to do better and for things to go MY way. But it was never about MY way; it was about GOD'S way. But then unexpectedly one night, I decided to check my final grades one more time and 3 of my professors has unexpectedly bumped up my final grade in their classes (which was on the borderline and had completely stressed me out.) I didn't think any of my professors would do that for me- but it was so kind that they did. This has never happened to me before but I am really grateful that it did. I was shocked and couldn't believe it. I am still amazed and I continue to be.
Follow God and His plan will come through for you too. God isn't asking you to figure it all out. He's asking you to trust that He already has.
https://www.redbubble.com/people/anniebananie13/works/28013193-be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god?p=art-print
