Acne has been a huge part of my life ever since I was about 11 years old. People may say that I write about it too much, but when it’s on your mind (or at least on top of it if you get what I mean) and with all the time and you spend hours and money to treat and cover it, it is difficult to escape its grasp. Recently, I’ve been dealing with some scarring which, for some acne sufferers, may seem small or overexaggerated. Coming from a pretty clear-skinned family, it is difficult to be understood because of this disposition and many believe that I’m melodramatic, but if you had a physical flaw that you had little to no control over that everyone pointed out or judged you for, you would probably feel upset about it too.
Still, this scarring has left me with an almost paralyzing fear of leaving my house without makeup. Going out without wearing foundation, powder and concealer is like walking outside naked: it is so foreign and uncomfortable to me that it almost makes me nauseous.
Even when I do manage to cover my scars, there’s still this feeling in the pit of my gut that says, “you’re lying to everyone. They all think that you have perfect skin when you don’t, and one day someone you care about will see you without makeup and be horrified by it.” Of course, I acknowledge that these thoughts are completely ludicrous, but as a teenage girl with shallow priorities, it is difficult to overcome the feeling that, even when I go out with makeup and feel beautiful, I don’t deserve to feel beautiful because I’m lying to everyone about who I really am.
With all this doubt, I continue to try every day to feel confident and convince myself that I deserve to feel that way. I try to tell myself that everyone deals with acne and that it's ok to have it, or that makeup doesn’t make me a “liar” or “fake.” It means that I do something that makes me feel good and comfortable, and that’s okay.
I still have a long way to go on my journey to greater self-esteem, but at this point in my life while on the cusp of childhood and adulthood, and in a world of physically flawed people, I will continue to try and be strong, and not let my insecurity hold me back from getting or doing what I want.
You should be confident. You should get to decide how you feel about yourself, not how others tell you to feel. If you are struggling, keep pushing. The world is too big for anyone to exist on it and not have self-confidence.
