If only I knew what I wanted. Because we really just do what we think we want, some things we wind up doing for others, we do things to please, we do things in the name of duty, we even do things just for the sake of doing them. We spend half of our lives doing the things other people tell us to do, out of obligation maybe or just sheer misdirection that leads us to do the things we are told to do because we don’t know what else we should be doing, we don't know what we want. Or there are the times that reveal our mere confusion and sway-ability, the times that we could find ourselves leaning towards one thing, thinking our loyalty lies with the decisions and possibly the inevitable consequences of one decision, one path, and then with the glance of an eye something shiny catches our gaze- flipping our worlds over and convincing us that we were misguided and surely confused all along.
That we never really knew what we wanted until we saw this very thing before us now. But within 15 minutes our focus is turned over once again with the captivation of yet another shiny and oh so captivating thing. It used to be easier no doubt, as kids we simply did the things the people around us told us to do, sometimes facing the freedom to decide between milk or water, apple or banana, but the bigs things were all decided for us.
But now we’ve come to a new part of our lives, a part that forces us to wake up in the morning and not only choose what to wear, but choose how to ration our day, how to fill our days with the work and responsibility that is required of us while maintaining intentionality in our relationships. Life gets hard as we gain the freedom to make our own decisions because with freedom comes a weight that bears down upon us.
Yet would we as stubborn, budding adults give up the chance to make our own decisions if someone asked to take it away or would our pride force us to push them away because we feel the social pressure to assume adulthood and to live it well, for struggling is weakness, and weakness is embarrassing, inappropriate, and rather unacceptable. But even amidst the confusion, misdirection, distraction, and burdens the least we can do is carry on, one step at a time, focusing on intentionality rather than the daily stress and turning away from the worries to enjoying our days filled with plans and interactions because the weight is not crushing, but heavy enough to push us and drive us, to fuel us. So let’s make some decisions here, let’s be independent and let’s try our hardest to do it without being proud.
