Let me start off by saying that this letter is more for myself, than anyone else. But I figured that the words in my diary might help someone else, so here I am, typing the words straight from the paper itself, hoping to help at least one soul along the way.
I know exactly who you are. I know why you're reading this. Maybe you're a devout Christian who hasn't been doing so hot lately, or maybe you haven't been to church in months or years. Either one, in some way shape or form, you're struggling with your relationship with God, and that's exactly why you clicked on and are reading this letter.
There are a few reasons why you might be struggling.
The first one is that you might think that because you've messed up somehow, that you're automatically a bad person. The thoughts running through your head are that you made these mistakes and you can't be someone who does this, that you have to be perfect and you have to be someone worth His love.
Well, let me stop you right there.
Take it from someone who has made so many mistakes that I considered myself so broken for the longest time. I was disgusting, gross, awful. I hated myself and all that I had done. I thought that because I was such a sinner, that I had done so many things wrong, I wasn't worth the dirt on the bottom of my shoe.
But that's the funny thing...we were made from dirt. Humanity was made from God's breath of life and dirt. So, in a sense, dirt is one of the most worthy things in this entire world. You may call yourself dirty, but really, you are - not in the sense that you're gross, but in way that it is an adjective for being made by the Lord. It sounds funny, but trust me - think about it for a moment.
By simply being born, that made you worth God's amazing love. By existing, breathing, you are worth His time, effort, and love. That goes for everyone. We are His children, and He has made us in His image. And by putting His only son on the cross to die for our sins, we are forgiven.
He does not expect us to be perfect at all times. As humans, we are capable of sin. No one carries a flawless record, no one has never not done something wrong. Every day, we sin, and every day, we are forgiven with prayer and repentance and redemption.
One of the best things about having faith in God is the unfailing love and forgiveness we are given. No matter WHAT you do, you are forgiven the moment you decide to ask for it. Every breath you take is a new chance, a new hope, and a way to turn things around. But in order for this to happen, you must have faith - faith that you are loved and forgiven. In Luke 7:47, the bible says, "Her sins, which are many, are forgiven." This goes to show you that no matter what you have done, you will be forgiven if you simply ask and believe.
The second reason, but one I feel is a strong one, that you may be struggling is because things have happened in your life that you simply do not understand. A death, an accident, a bad grade, a failed relationship, whatever it is, it wasn't something you ever thought would happen. And now you're angry, sad, pissed off. You want to know why God would ever let anything so bad happen to any of His children like that.
Death has been something not unfamiliar to me - I lost my best friend when I was ten months old. I lost my other best friends when I was eleven, thirteen. I never got to meet one of my grandmothers. So, to me, death is not new. I have been in relationships I thought would last forever. I have gotten bad grades, I have let people down who believed in me because of me being an idiot, and I have had many other things go wrong in my life.
And honestly? For the longest time, I was so angry. Furious, even. I swore at God and cursed His name, I said I didn't believe and skipped church for a while. I didn't know why God could ever let someone suffer so hard. I didn't deserve to be in any pain, I deserved to be happy and have those that I loved around me and do well in life.
But as I ventured further into life and got more into Scripture and started to understand, my anger faded. With death, much like the way we pick the most beautiful flowers, God picks the most beautiful people. It is their time, and it is His plan to call them home, and who are we to interfere with that?
As for the rest of our struggles, God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. In Jeremiah 29:11, it says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - God does not intend to hurt or harm you in any way. He simply plans to push you along in the way He has intended for you. He wants to give you a good future, one filled with love and everything good that is meant for you. Sometimes, we simply must go through these hard obstacles to learn our lesson, and while it may not seem fair, you must remember that His love for you will never fail.
So, to you, girl, I'm telling you this - I understand your struggle. You must remember that no one's relationship with the Lord is perfect, and no one's is the same. But we are all absolutely loved the same way, and he is amazing. Read the Word, read and I am here to reassure that it is okay to struggle from time to time. It is normal to wonder and worry, just remember, you are so loved and He is waiting for you.