These are hard times, and they call for desperate measures. I've lived with boys for my entire life, so for those of you that haven't, I feel it's only fair that I pass down some of my wisdom I've gathered over the years.
No matter the circumstance, they all leave the same old mess and all cause the same damn stress.
Follow me, babe, I got ya.
1. When he leaves the toilet seat up.
Just leave it up. I know this is going to be a pain in the damn ass, but if you're so used to putting the toilet seat down, that means he is too. You have a unique opportunity to have some fun if this is the case.
Let me explain...
I'm sure we are all aware of the plastic wrap over the toilet seat prank... but what about vegetable oil on the rim?
They'll fall right off. They'll most likely knock their head on something, lose all memory on what life was like before living with you, so you can teach them the right way from the start. It's like training a puppy. Kind of.
No more falling into the toilet seat ladies, let's just make them fall off of it.
2. When he leaves his dirty clothes anywhere by the hamper.
Start shoving his dirty clothes back into his drawers and pretending you washed it! He will wonder why he smells, and you'll just argue back you were wondering why his dumb ass didn't know the difference between the floor and the laundry basket! #winwinwinwinforme #loseloseloseforhim
3. When he refuses to put the dishes in the sink.
What is a girl to do with all these dirty dishes? I guess I should just suck it up and wash them, right?
Start piling the dishes up in the trunk of his car. We all know how much guys love their precious cars...kinda like we love our kitchen's, am I right? It'll get real smelly and gross in there. He'll eventually take the dishes out of his trunk because God forbid his baby gets the least dirty.
That is when the unthinkable happens. They put the dishes in the sink and then... WASHES THEM!
4. When the dog makes a mess and he won't touch it.
I think the process of this annoying mess is that he knows you're going to clean it. We're girls and don't live in a freaking barn. So yeah, they assume we are going to constantly clean the messes that appear around us (especially when it's dog shit).
Can you be strong for me? You have to be strong for me right now.
You leave that shit there.
You not only leave that shit there, but you surround it with his favorite things. Close the door, and watch how his shit slowly but surely starts to smell like shit.
To help mask the smell, try putting perfume right under your nose.
5. When he never takes his shoes off and tracks mud into the house.
It won't happen if you hide all of his shoes.
By all of his shoes, I mean every last pair.
My personal favorite is the attic because, after a while, the cobwebs accumulate. Soon enough he'll be afraid to wear any of his shoes. You'll never have the muddy footprint problem again.
Unless he doesn't mind getting his feet muddy, in that case just cut off his feet completely and you should be good.
6. When he snoozes his alarm a hundred times and your morning is ruined.
Nope. Not anymore.
All you need are 10-15 pulse speakers. Set up each speaker around him like you would candles in a scary movie while talking to spirits. Rest his phone right next to his ear on the pillow. Make sure the phone is connected to the 15 different speakers and is on high volume. Then watch as panic rushes through his body when all 16 alarms go off at once.
7. When he eats that snack that YOU WERE SAVING FOR THE END OF A BAD DAY TO CHEER YOU UP.
Just start crushing laxatives and slipping them into the food you know he's going to get into.
It'll be coming out of him soon enough.
8. When he uses your favorite shampoo, body wash and scrub and pretends like he doesn't smell EXACTLY like all your favorite bathroom products.
Dump the remainders of what's in the bottles into mason jars for you to use later.
Fill the jars with the following:
Body scrub: food coloring, sugar, and kitty litter.
Body Wash: Dish soap and just a smidge of heavy cream (this will make the consistency thick)
Shampoo: This one varies, I just like to use my imagination... I'm sure you can come up with a few things.
9. When he complains about your taste in music.
For one month, all you need to do is play screamo music, and eventually, he'll either poke out his eardrums or learn to accept what you loved before is much better than what you love today. His ways will turn or his ears will bleed.
*insert shrugging girl emoji*
10. When he seems to have a million other habits that you just can't stand.
I know mine does. I may have a thousand complaints, but I have a million things to appreciate. I have to deal with the stealing of food, favorite body wash, and freaking dirty prints on my floor,
But no part of me would want it any other way.