I used to hold a lot of resentment towards you, for being so hard on yourself and letting others take advantage of you. For letting people walk all over you, and letting them play you like you were a game. I used to hate you for shaming yourself, and never treating your body with kindness and always filing your mind with words of self-hate. But now, I forgive you. Because I am not you anymore, I am me; the present me. And I will not let myself stoop to your level again.
I forgive you for letting all the wrong guys waltz their way into your life, and allowing them to toss your heart around like it was nothing. At the time it made sense, to be young and in love while giving it your all. You wanted to believe in love so badly; you wanted a fairytale ending, but settled for lying toads when you should have been searching for the real price charming. You were blind to the red flags, and wanted to see the good in them, except you were looking like a fool because you had to squint. You ignored everyone’s advice, your own gut, and fought for the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. You allowed yourself to get emotionally abused, you gave your all to those who gave you nothing, and in result lost your ability to trust people. You allowed yourself to become damaged goods, and I forgive you. I forgive you for not knowing your worth. Soon I will wear my heart on my sleeve again, and it will be for all the right reasons with just the right person.
I forgive you for never treating your body with respect, and for constantly shaming yourself. All those days in high school that you starved yourself or pushed around your food at lunch to pretend like you were eating it. All those vegan and raw diets you pushed on yourself, tricking your mind into thinking it was for your “health”, when really you just liked how thin your thighs became. I forgive you for convincing your 5 foot, 95 pound self that you were too fat to continue being in gymnastics. Running three miles earned you a salad, and nothing more. You let your mind become consumed with calories, carbs, and “thinspiration”. You undernourished and disrespected the body that was a gift to you, and I forgive you. Eat that burger and fries, and don’t think twice about it.
I forgive you for believing the lies that flooded your mind of not being good enough, or that the world was better off without you. I forgive you for the emotional scars and the tears that were shed because of your own bullying; your own cruel words that you fed yourself. I forgive you, because now you hold fast to the truth that you are still here for a reason with a God-given purpose.
And I will continue to forgive you. For guarding your heart, and always keeping people at arm’s length. For never believing in your own strength, and viewing yourself as weak and broken. I will continue to forgive you for forgetting to whom you belong and who loved you first, and not allowing that to be enough to keep wearing your heart on your sleeve. I will forgive you for pushing away the good ones, because you don’t want to take a risk on anyone. For forcing yourself to be alone because it seems safer than letting people in. I will continue to forgive you for discouraging yourself, and not letting yourself reach your full potential.
I will continue to forgive, because I am proud of you. I am proud of you every day for not becoming who you used to be. I am proud of you for allowing yourself to have dreams, to have love and lost, and for getting knocked down 6 times and standing up 7. I am proud of you for making it through, and I’m proud of you for making someone new out of who you used to be.
To whoever is reading this: Be proud. Because although I might not know you, you know you. You know who you used to be, and who you have become. You have a lot to forgive yourself for, because you are worthy, loved, and God is not yet finished with you nor is He giving up. So don’t give up on yourself either, because every day is a new day with a new chance to look back and be proud of who you are becoming.
The Girl I Am Today