I can hear you now degrading my worth. We measure strength as if we are on different parts of the earth. You listened to all of my words just so you could twist them. Therefore, I’ve decided I'm done trying to rank within your metric system. I'm sorry I actually deal with my problems instead of trying to swallow them whole. And I'm sorry I don't find any guy to take home to try and fill the void in the depths of my soul. And I'd rather have a million "delusions" than lose my faith in the one I couldn't get you to know.
I thought I could be a light for you. That's all I ever wanted to be, but I got stuck in my own thoughts and I think that's what allowed you to destroy me. I’m sorry I pushed you and I didn’t mean to be so "in your face". I’m sorry I didn’t realize you just weren’t ready to receive grace. Its hard to know if you ever gave our conversations a second thought, and you probably never will. Because you choose to reject anything you can't touch or feel. Funny thing is, even if you held the best thing you ever had, you’re now so numb you’d probably let it slip right through your grasp. Sorry to deflate your worthless pride. But its doing you no good when it comes to your insides. The part that nobody can see. Oh, and turns out you were right all along to feel guilty.
I gave myself to you with bottomless hopes. The next morning I cried when I realized I’d be suffering alone. I thought for a second you might have an ounce of sympathy to spare. But man was I foolish for ever thinking that you cared. I wanted you to, and you see I prayed for so long you'd realize the man you could be. But every pointless encounter just ended up taking a piece of me.... You always told me you never believed, but a part of me always hoped you wanted to. Behind that nonchalant smile and your idgaf attitude. I held on so long because I thought I could see it deep inside of you. So back and forth I’d go slipping into to sin. While praying you could change the whole way in. Even now I’m still dealing with the repercussions of what we did back then. I guess a part of me wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. But that meant allowing myself to be used and erasing all of my escape routes.
You were wrong, you were always wrong. It wasn’t your body that kept sucking me back in. It was your hollow words you convinced me to believe in. Though I wish our temptation wouldn’t have been too much to bare. Putting distance between us finally made everything crystal clear. I’m left with the fact that I couldn’t be the one to show you the man I always knew you could be.. So I did some research to try and find why the Lord didn’t want this relationship for me.
“There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in scripture,” The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever- the kind of sex that can never “become one”
1 Corinthians 6:16-20
