At least once in your life, you're going to encounter a person in your life (most likely your partner) who's unbelievably clingy to the point of being so unbearable that you just want to scream. If this is the case for you this Christmas, here are some not-so-subtle gifts to tell them to back off.
1. Roses
Get them a bouquet of roses, but add a personal touch. Rip the actual flower parts off so that all you're left with is stem, thorns, and pain. When they inevitably come over to your house to pester you, shove the thorn-bouquet in their hands and explain to them the symbolism of the thorns ("This represents all of the angst you've caused me!") Then, when they're on the brink of tears, explain to them that it was all a joke.
2. A Locket
Because they're clearly so obsessed with you, buy them a cheap little locket (to represent your dingy love for them) and put a picture of yourself in it. If you want to go the extra mile, put a lock of hair in it. This gift really shows that you care because you went out of your way to cut off your hair so that they wouldn't have to.
3. A Restraining Order
If you really want to tell them how you feel, nix the sentimental stuff and go straight to court. File a restraining order because they can't seem to leave you the hell alone. Be sure to throw in a "I'm sorry it's come to this" for extra guilt for them and one final twinge of self-satisfaction for you.
4. A Body Pillow
This is for those nights when they just won't shut up about wanting to be near you. Whenever you're on vacation and aren't there with them, cram a body pillow in their bed so they can at least have some semblance of human contact.
5. Plane Tickets
Buy them a plane ticket for a luxury getaway as far from you as possible. Book them a trip to Japan and say "Sayonara" to your annoying love koala. (Hey, maybe the plane'll even crash and then you could really get away from them!)
6. An Extremely Heavy Coat
Get them the heaviest coat they've ever had in their lives. With any luck, while you're walking around in the mall, it'll slow them down enough to the point where you'll actually have some personal space.
7. Steel-Toed Boots
This one is actually for YOU! Treat yourself to some nice steel-toed boots for those days when you just want to kick them to get them off of you. (As annoying as they are, don't actually do that. You might get arrested.)
8. Tickets for A Cruise
Book them tickets for a cruise "around the world." Those take forever and hey, maybe when they're out and about, exploring the planet, they'll find someone else! Let them be someone else's problem for a while.
9. Go To Disney
Go to Disney with them. Ride a ride. At the very top of the coaster, push them off (but make it look like an accident!) If that doesn't work, ditch them in a crowded spot and get the next flight out of there.
10. Take them to the Grand Canyon
Take them on a romantic trip to the Grand Canyon. When you get to the lookout point, casually mention that you forgot your backpack and that you'll be right back. Never return.
11. Another Cell Phone
Encourage them to cheat on you and find someone else by getting them another cell phone and "turning a blind eye." Download Tinder onto the phone. Leave extremely "subtle" hints.
*Disclaimer: This is satire. Please do not do any of these things. If you have a clingy partner, please be nice to them and try to understand. Love and cherish them. If you really do have to break up with someone, please don't file a restraining order or do it over text.*
