(Trigger Warning: This article contains sexual assault experiences and profanity.)
What you did to me was fucked up, so very fucked up. So much so, I can hardly function. There's so much of me that's broken that I don't know how I'm operating. I thought I was fine. I thought I would be okay. I didn't love you, so it should be easy to be over you. But, here I am four months later screaming into my own skin in the darkness of my room curled in my milk cream sheets because of what you did to me.
You sexually assaulted me.
You screwed a 14/15-year-old child. You convinced them that you would love them and that they had a chance to be yours. You pressured them after they told you no, pretending to accept their answers. That's what makes this so hard. You seemed like a nice guy. You are just a guy, not a demon spawn. You're just a fucking dude who shredded everything I knew about myself. You had your moments. When you gave your last $20 to a homeless guy and when you stayed up to help a suicidal friend. Everyone loves you. You are the "great" guy, the friend of all. The honor student, the perfect friend. But you assaulted me.
You assaulted me.
Who the fuck would believe that? It's been five years since you pinned me to the bed and asked me if it felt okay. It didn't. I was terrified but the pleasure was there. I didn't understand, but I wanted you to love me. So, I let your fat squish me to my bed. MY BED. Where my best friend told me all their secrets, where all my writing took place, where I played video games and read, where my dogs curled up beside me. Oh, how I wish I knew how many other places you would ruin.
I cried after you left. After you told me I couldn't tell anyone what happened, not even my best friend. I screamed and threw my bedroom into a devastation of what I felt inside. I thought you didn't want your girlfriend to find out, but I realize you didn't want the world to find out. It was your reputation at stake and now I know it was illegal. What you did to me was illegal. But I was so young and everyone I knew and everyone I told, failed me.
I bet you didn't know when all this came out to the school that I went to the counselor. I told her my story. She didn't blink an eye. Just said that maybe you did love me and I could win you back. But the whole school thought the freshman who seduced a senior from his beautiful, perfect, college girlfriend was a whore and home-wrecker.
I was a whore and a home-wrecker.
I didn't realize until five years later that that counselor failed me. I was 14, you were 18. You should be in prison. But instead, you work at McDonald's and date 18-year-old virgins and are making new friends.
That 18-year-old virgin isn't a virgin anymore. You took it like you took mine and the girl before me. Always leaving your partners for younger, more innocent minors.
You are a pig.
I hate her, but I also feel so bad. At least she's older but barely. You are 23 and she just graduated with her v-card. I feel so bad for her, you will destroy her like you destroyed me and I want to hate her for wanting your body on hers because when you touched me, I felt my insides rot.
I've thought of so many sceneries on how to get revenge. I want you to suffer. I want to never see you again. I want them to know what you are.
I should have said it, screamed it when it happened, but I was manipulated and confused. Who will believe me now? I'm just the crazy ex who fabricated this pain to get back at you for cheating on me. Who cared about the 14/15-year-old screwing around with an adult. They are clearly capable of making that decision, they obviously wanted it. The picture for this article is me and my family, freshmen year. Do I look old enough to want it? With my blonde streaks and Assassin's Creed shirt?
FUCK YOU!
Just fuck you!
I'm so tired, tired of writing, tired of hurting, tired of existing.
My name is PJ, short for Paula Jo-an. I am 20 years old, a literature student. I am gender-fluid, use they/them pronouns and am pansexual. I enjoy reading, working out, music, tennis, writing, anime, and animals.
And, I was sexually assaulted.
I know that's a tough one to swallow, trust me. That's why I'm writing. I will be writing articles through Odyssey with EMU to tell my story of assault and describe my healing journey. I will write random feelings and experiences in forms of poems and essays and whatever I feel like. I look forward to walking down this path with everyone who's been down it before me or is currently walking beside me. Welcome to my journey to healing.
