There I was, sitting on the edge of the Brooklyn Bridge, staring down at the water. I was swinging my legs and singing "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone. "God, I love that song,” I said to myself. I could hear cars passing behind me and I was wondering if anyone would stop me from doing what I was doing.

It was in third grade when I realized what “boyfriends” and “girlfriends” actually meant. Well, I didn't quite get it, but I kind of knew what it meant. Not really, I’m lying.

I remember when a guy first told me he liked me. I was in third grade and I was sitting with some girl during lunch. From nowhere I heard someone call my name, saying, “Hey, Trish.”

I turned around and noticed that it was this really popular guy named Luis. My throat was dry. “Umm….hey,” I said. I was stunned. Why on earth did he say “Hey” to me? In fact, how did he know my name? He got up from where he was sitting and sat next to me.

“Hey,” he said again.

I looked at him and thought, why on earth is this boy sitting next to me? “Hi,” I said again.

I started to blush and he noticed. “You look really cute when you blush,” he said.

I looked at him, giggled, and put a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Thank you,” I said.

He laughed and went back to his seat.

My friend Guadalupe poked me and smiled, saying, “Looks like someone is in love.” I nudged her and went back to eating my lunch.

We were on our way back to class when some other guy called my name. I turned around.

“Yo, waddup chikita,” he said.

I looked at him confused. Who was he? “Umm hi,” I said.

He then started to talk to some guy in Spanish. I did not know much Spanish; the only phrases I knew were hola, como estas and muy bien. I turned back around and made my way back to class.

“Aye yo chikita, I gots to tell you something.”

I turned back around. “What is i?” I asked.

“Now listen, you is gonna be heartbroken buhh lemme tell you. You know that guy Luis, well yea he ain't like you fo’ real fo’ real, he did that cuz he was dared. He like yo’ friend over there.” He pointed to a girl behind me.

I turned around and my jaw dropped. It was Guadalupe, the girl who sat next to me during lunch. I looked back at the boy and asked, “How do I know you’re not lying?”

He looked at me and then at his friends. They all started to laugh. “Hahaha, chikita, you really think a guy is going to like you? Hahaha.”

I was confused. “Huh? What do you mean?” I asked.

He came closer to my face as though he was going to kiss me. “Look at her, and look at you. You’s a piece of dry fish. She’s beautiful, tall, nice, and smart. I mean, you smart and tall and nice too, but you ain't attractive chickita. I’m sorry shawty.” He slapped my back and walked away with his friends.

I looked at them as they were walking. “I’m ugly?” I never knew that.

Two years passed and I was in the 5th grade. My parents moved me to another school because they didn't like the school I was previously attending. I told all my friends from the old school good-bye, and they just waved back as though they were glad that I was leaving.

It was my first day at my new school, and I didn't know anyone. I was scared that people would start hating me or something, just like the people at my old school. I walked into my classroom and everyone looked at me. Some looked at me with disgust, some with joy, and some just didn't care.

“Class this is Melanie. She is a new student. so please make her comfortable,” the teacher said and she pointed to where I had to sit. It was next to some guy.

“Hey,” the guy said. Oh, here we go again. He is probably going to say that I'm cute and then one of his friend’s is going to come up to me and reveal that it is a lie. “Hi,” I said. “What’s your name.” I looked at him, “Umm Melanie.” He nodded his head, “Cool.” I looked at him, “Umm what’s your name.” He looked at me, “Omar.” I nodded my head, “Cool.”

The first semester of fifth grade went by so fast that I didn’t even realize that I was actually making friends as well as how there weren’t any negative vibes. But the December of that first semester changed my “life” forever. I realized that I had started to have feelings for this guy that did not attend my school. His name was Kumar. He was two years older than me. We were at this party and he started to talk to me. I never had this kind of feeling and he was really cute. “Oh my god,” I told myself, “What is happening to me.” Then I realized that I actually liked him. I started to get closer to him as the year went by, we became good friends. We would go to stores together, go buy food together, play games and so much more. But when April arrived it all changed.

We were at some kind of festival and Kumar, my best friend, Mia, and I were sitting together and chatting about random things that were occurring in our lives. “Oh my god,” Mia said. Kumar and I looked at her. “What happened,” I asked. “Look!” We both turn around and notice this girl. “Ugh,” I said, “why is she here.” Kumar was staring at her. I look at him and then look back at the girl whose name was Riya. “Umm helllooooo,” I said as I was waving my hand in front of his face. “Oh sorry,” he said. “Why were you staring at her like that,” Mia asked. “It's not like she is that attractive,” she said. “I don't know about that,” he said. I turn back around and notice that she was heading our way. “Why on earth is she coming this way,” I said. “That's good that she is. Goddamn!” Kumar said. “Hey you guys,” Riya said. “Hi,” I said. She sat her tush down right next to the empty seat that was next to mine. “Hey,” he said. “Hey,” she said. “My name is Kumar.” She looked at him and he held out his hand. “Haha hey my name is Riya.” And that was the end of my love life. The guy who I had been liking for months and had been trying to get to like me, ended up liking that girl in just a minute. How? What did she have that I didn’t. They continued on blabbering about stuff that I did not care about. It was about half an hour she when she finally left. “OH MY GOD!” I said, “FINALLYY!” I looked at Kumar. He was staring at Riya. I slapped him the shoulder, “Why are you staring at her,” I said. “You’re not the boss of me, my eyes are MY eyes so shut up.” He said as he continued to stare at her.

The next day there was a another festival and I arrived at the same time as he did. “Hey,” he said. “Hey,” I said. “Want to go eat.” “Yes!” We got some money from our parents and headed to some restaurant. We ordered our food and sat at the food court. As we were waiting for Mia he tells me something that broke my heart. “Why hasn't your friend come yet,” he said. I look at him. “Mia?” I said. “Noooo!! Well yea but not that one. Riya.” My mouth got dry. “Riya?” “Yeah Riya.” I looked at him stunned. “We’re not friends and I do not know,” I said as I continued to eat. He grabbed my hand. “Trisha I have to tell you something.” My heart started to beat really fast. I looked at him eye to eye. Was he going to tell me he liked me? “Melanie,” he said. “You know yesterday when I first saw Riya I was stunned. She literally made me speechless. She is and will forever be the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life.” I started to tear up. “I think...I think I like her Melanie.” My heart broke into gagillion of pieces. I was holding in my tears. “WHAT!” I screamed. “WHY? HOW? WHEN? HOW? WHY!!!?” I move my hand, get up and start leaving. “Melanie, Melanie,” he said as he was following me. He grabbed me by the wrist. “Listen Melanie, I know you don't like her, but I really do. Like forreal forreal. Help me out please.” I could not believe how he was asking the girl who loves him with all her heart to hook him up with the girl that she hated the most. I really wanted to cry. “I’ll think about it,” I said as I removed his hand from my wrist. I ran to the restroom and started pouring. “OH MY GOD! I AM SO UGLY. UGHHHHHHH I WANT TO DIE!” I was so upset. I didnt know what to do.

I went back to the room where the festival was at. “Hey, where were you,” Mia asked. “Bathroom,” I said. I then noticed Kumar and walked towards him, “Hey you,” I said. He looked at me and got up. “Your crush is coming. She’s on her way. Get ready.” I walk away as soon as I finished telling him and Mia followed. “What was all that about?” she asked. I looked at her as I started to tear up again. “He likes Riya,” I said. “WHATTTT!” Mia said. “Why did you...how did you...why did you...how did you find out that she was coming here...” I looked down at the staircase. “That's because I saw her dad’s car.”

I was now in the 7th grade. It had been about two years since I liked Kumar and I still like him. It was almost end of my 7th grade year and my parents announced that we were going to West Virginia that summer. I was excited because I heard that Kumar was going. Kumar and Ria went out through MySpace but they broke up later due to some issues. Kumar was now single. I had to give it a try. Summer came and I was packing for West Virginia. We were both going to be on the same bus with my bestie Mia. The day came when we were told to wake up early and head onto the bus. I was really excited. I got on the bus with Mia and noticed that he had sat all the way towards the back of the bus. I didnt want to go all the way back but I still did and I made Mia come with me. We sat right in front of him. The way to West Virigina was amazing. Everyone in the bus was turnt up and we had great food. When we finally got to WV I wanted my room to be next to his, but sadly it wasnt. My room was far from his room and more close to Mia’s. Every morning whenever I woke up I would wake up to see his cute face but I sometimes coudlnt. I woudl do my best to dress really nice to get his attention, but that didnt work. Then one day as we were heading to this temple I thought of a bollywood scence and held hands with this little. He was holding the left hand and I was holding the right one. We were told to enter this room and the three of us entered with our right feet. I immediatly thought of a movie scence and how a romantic moment would come. Sadly, it didnt. We all then started to head back to the hotel and since it was our last day. We all had fun and stuff.

THe next morning came which was the day we were to go back home. We all took a group picture and had a fun last day togehr. Then we got on the bus and were headed back to Atlanta. “Hey,” Kumar poked Mia. “I have to tell you something.” Mia looked at him. “What is it,” she asked. “Remember when you asked me if I liked osmeone, well I do and I will tell you.” Mia looked so happy and I was happy too. “Who is it tell me.” “Not now, I’ll tell you when we get near to Atlanta.”

We waited for about 15 hours to find out who he liked. It was around 2 in the morning and I had kind of dozed off. Mia did too. Then I felt a sudden movement. “Mia,” I heard someone say. I open my eyes but dont move. “Yea,” Mia said. “You wanted to know who I like and I am ready to tell you.” She was excited. More excited than me. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. “Mia the girl who I now like is…,” he took a long pause. “Is who Kumar?” she asked. He brought his lips close to her ears. “WHAT!” Mia screamed. I still acted that I was sleeping. “No No No No No No NOOOOO!!!” Mia said. “OH MY GOD!” I looked at Kumar through the window. He was laughing. I then acted like I had just woke up. “What happened,” I asked. “Oh my god I am so sorry Trisha. I am so sorry.” I was confused why was she apologizing to me. “Why are you saying sorry?” “He likes me Trisha, he likes me. Oh my god I am soo sorry.” What the heck? What? Kumar liked Mia? What? Why? How? I started to tear up. But thank god it was dark and she couldnt see anything. Everyone in the bus was asleep except the three of us. Kumar went back to sleep. “Its okay Mia, there is no need to apologize. Its just my destiny. Go back to sleep.” I put my head on the window and try to go to sleep and tears came pouring down my eyes.

When we got home around 5 in the morning I gave Mia and tight hug. “Its okay crazy. He likes you not me.” In reality I was hurt, really hurt. “No your not okay, I know you, your not. I am so sorry.” I look at her. “Why are you apologizing. Stop!” I give her another hug and she leaves. I head on home and sit in the livign room staring at the wall. Everyone took a shower and went to bed except me. It was my turn and I go. I start crying as I was in the shower. I then go to my room, lock the door and look at the blades lying on the shelf. I grab it and stare at it. I became mental. “I am ugly. I am ugly. I am ugly. I am ugly. I am stupid. I am stupid. I am stupid.” I said that every time I made a cut. It was about 10 on each arm.

Ever since that day I stopped liking Kumar. And I would promise myself that I would never like a guy again, but sadly I would. I liked about six gusy overall, whether it be jsut a little crush or something else. I learned throughout my life that whatever guy I look at or had my eyes laid on would end up liking my friends. I was tired of that.

Throughtout high school people thought I was a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend. That was not true. I am now in college and still signle. I was not happy with my life. I was filled with depression on the insdie but filled with happiness on the outside. I was siting on the Brooklyn bridge. “Birds flying high, you know how I feel,” I sang. I had gone crazy. I look down at the water and see that that was the place where I was going to have peace. “bird flying high you know how i feel.”