I still don’t quite know how to forgive everyone fully and tirelessly. I encounter so many people every day and they do me wrong. Because of my temper, I get mad very easily. For example, it pisses me off when people put three spoons of sugar in my coffee, instead of two. And living in the Unite States can sometimes be very annoying. Many people don’t know that Romania is not in North Africa and that we actually have internet there. I don’t even care to discuss bigger issues, like selfishness and ignorance. People are OK with what is happening right now around the world. People here ditch me and make me feel alone (as if leaving my parents house to study an ocean away isn’t lonely enough sometimes). People in college whine about how much they miss home around me. They joke at me and hurt my feelings too. And don’t worry, I have a good sense of humor, however, some people, man, some people… They just don’t know when to stop. Or, the ones who don’t understand the thing with me and Jesus feel like they should randomly throw an opinion over my beliefs. The guys that broke my heart last year crushed me, and that one big love I once had, and the time my best friend betrayed me. It’s those moments when you are down, shattered in thousands of pieces that lay on the floor.

It happens every day, right? I mean, we meet all these friends, acquaintances, or maybe family who hurt us, deliberately or unwillingly. It is funny to think that sinning and making mistakes is a part of human nature. It’s in me, running through my blood, to hurt the people I love, or throw painful, sarcastic lines at people I don’t even know. It is in our nature as human beings to diminish other people’s personalities, be rough on others for the decisions they make, break promises, lie, cheat, and betray. I wish this would never happen and I’m not thinking about the hippie concept of "world peace.” I wish this would never be part of me. I wish being mean towards a person wouldn’t feel normal, but rather unusual.

I’m 19 years old. Wow, it is strange how times passes by so quickly. It’s just the beginning of my life. However, I feel like I’ve discovered the world’s biggest secret these days. I realized how every problem in my life comes down to one thing: forgiveness. I was trying to figure out this specific time in my life when I was able to let go of the things that tore my heart apart in the past. Many people say that you become free of burdens when you accept and forgive. Even though that may be true, forgiveness is a double-edged sword for me. I do forgive but forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget. It means that you purely choose not to condemn a person for doing you wrong.

Let me tell you the story of how I forgave you.

I was in deep pain and it hurt so much. It was like waking up in the middle of the night from your worst nightmare. Every day the pain felt like a heavy burden on my chest, making it harder for me to breath. I’d roam around the town, like a ghost, looking for something that was not there anymore. Even after all this time, I still don’t know how I have the power to write about this. The memory remains vivid. My mind can still recall the moments when I’d lay in my best friend's arms, crying like every bone in me was crushing. I think God wept with me that night. I believe that He wept for me every time I wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I’d eventually start realizing how stupid this was. You wanted to talk about it so many times, and I’d say "yes” to each request. However, I’d leave the room feeling even more hatred towards you. I couldn’t believe that the feeling of love could turn into hate so easily. I thought the quote, which said, "there is such a thin line between love and hate" was only a stupid Tumblr thing. Sadly it is a reality. I think of all the breaths I didn’t take in those moments. I was just surviving. Clearly, I didn’t know how to deal with having my entire world crushed by a person. And I promise I’m not being a drama queen when I say that my entire world was crushed. It was, because as a human you’re built to seek love. The Creator made you seek love, as He is love. He wanted you to have love in your veins, thus my reaction was normal. You took the one thing I loved the most.

The day when I let go of the square where you told me you loved me, the day when I let go of every piece of asphalt that held our footprints, the day I let go of the places where I laid with you in utter darkness, the day I let go of the seconds when I accepted that you took away parts of my heart with you was in fact the very day that I forgave you, and that day was the most beautiful day of my life. Now, I can fill the void places with a new version of me. Everything was completely fine when I forgave you. All of a sudden, I felt like I could totally be your friend again and silence slowly hovered over my soul. My brain stopped filling in the unknown blanks that I had. I didn’t even need any explanation. I didn’t want an answer anymore. I could care less what you are doing with your life. I stopped wondering who the new people were in your life. I began to understand that you didn’t even have a good reasoning for what had happened. I also quit hating on your smell, and being jealous of your hair.

I just needed to hear you say "I’m sorry” so that I could forgive you. I could live again with your memory inside my head. Having you around me once again was normal. God knows I took a step backwards. I could love you once again.

Forgive me for not forgiving you earlier. And thank you, whoever you are, for teaching me the lesson of forgiveness.