Having been through my fair share of pain in my lifetime, I know what it feels like to hurt so bad you wish you could never feel again. I know what it feels like to have someone rip your beating heart out of your chest and never return it. I'm not saying I have a monopoly on emotional pain, but I sure have felt a lot of it.
For a long time, I was hurt. And when you're hurt, a lot of the time you hurt people. But you can't see it. When you've hurt for so long, there comes a point where you forget that you have the capability to hurt other people. You forget that words hurt, that actions hurt, that your actions can have an impact on other people. You forget that even though you keep getting hurt, you're not the only one that can hurt.
A while ago, I hurt someone really bad. Not physically, and not in a way that would be considered abusive, but I just wasn't the person I should've been. And I wasn't the person they needed. I just didn't have the emotional capability to be that person at the time. So they put themselves first and they left. For a long time, I struggled with this. At first, I felt hurt. And I placed them in the corner of my mind filled with all the other people who have ever left me scarred and in pain. But deep down I knew they didn't belong there. I ignored it and continued to pretend that they hurt me because it hurt me to admit it might be the other way around.
It took me two years to finally come to terms with the fact that perhaps I hurt this person. And it was hard. It was difficult for me to grasp that I could make someone hurt the way I did. That I could make someone feel anything less than joy and happiness and love. My biggest fear has always been hurting someone and in that moment of realization, that fear came true.
But after that split second of fear, something amazing happened. A burden was lifted. I recognized my own flaws and my own wrongdoings, and I didn't beat myself up about it. I didn't get mad at myself. I forgave myself. I forgave myself for not being the person I should have been. I forgave myself for not being perfect. I forgave myself because I deserve it.
In life, we will all make mistakes. We will all end up hurting others, and sometimes ourselves. But recognizing your flaws and forgiving yourself for them is the most important part of living. If we all beat ourselves up over our mistakes, we would all be in constant pain.
So next time something goes wrong, forgive yourself. And be at peace.
