It’s no secret: college is expensive. So, when someone goes off to college, that person is typically completely broke. Being the relatable millennial that I am, I feel it necessary to share my secret products that get me through poverty with my people. Here are five essentials to get you through college if you don’t have money.
1. Tang
Why use your precious meal plan to get drinks, each one costing a few dollars, when there’s a jug of orange powder that will turn gallons of water into delicious orange nectar for $2? It’s available at almost any discount store and tastes way too sweet, but hey, it will distract you from your abysmal life! This was what lower class kids grew up with, and it’s still amazing to this day. Tap water never tasted so inexpensively decent!
2. Ramen
You got a bowl? You got water? Most importantly, do you have pre-packaged MSG noodle bricks that look like a Party City wig for a Justin Timberlake costume? Then congratulations, you have something that will make you forget that you’re a starving, poor, emotionally unstable adult. Just microwave that wavy bundle of sadness for a minute or two and viola! You’re still poor, but at least alive.
3. Flashlight
I know what you’re thinking: “A flashlight? How is that practical in the context of getting decent things without money?” Well, the answer is simple. All you have to do is sink to the level of a lowly scavenger of the animal kingdom. Use it to check for fallen change under the furniture and vending machines on campus. Better yet, use it to search for valuable exposed copper plumbing on campus. You can even take it outside for a nice, relaxing walk while you shine it into trash cans desperately hoping to salvage what’s left of someone’s unfinished Subway meal. For extra fun, you can even flash it out a window in morse code in the hopes that someone will see your distress signal and save you from your dystopian world of postsecondary education. The possibilities are endless!
4. Pen
Why stop the cries for help at flashlight morse code? With a pen, you can write messages begging for rescue from the responsible, adult world of poverty anywhere on campus! Bulletin boards, desks, bathroom stalls, newspapers, you name it. If it’s flat, you can desperately beg for mercy on it. You can even use a pen to bring your shame to a whole new level by writing a sad story on a piece of cardboard and standing outside of the nearest grocery store for a few hours. Within a day, you’ll be guaranteed at least a couple of dollars from people whose fortune at Panda Express said to practice generosity. You might even pick up a couple of free dollar menu items from McDonald’s. Honestly, once you eliminate dignity, making miniscule amounts of money is pretty easy if you just have a pen. And, to give this item extra points, you need it for most of your classes in your impractical major that your parents don’t like anyway. Yipee for pens!
5. The Blood of a Lamb
If all else fails, and you’re still trying to survive as a broke college student, there is an end-all method to obtaining the bare necessities of life. This is the ultimate must-have product for broke college students. Lamb’s blood, and of course I mean the blood of only the purest of lambs, can be used to get you on your financial feet in three simple steps. First, you draw a circle on the floor with the lamb’s blood. Put a star in the circle, just for decoration. Next, light five candles and place one on each corner of the star. This is just to make the room smell nicer, as lamb’s blood tends to have a slight odor. Finally, just perform an ancient chant from one of the lost books of eternity. They only sound ominous. I swear they translate to some upbeat stuff! If you use the blood of the lamb correctly, you should meet a man who will grant you one wish. Neat, huh? Anyway, just wish away your economic troubles. At this point, you’ll probably hear something that sounds like the screams of the damned and you may feel the burn of a million suns. That just means it’s working. Within seconds, your status as a broke college student will be completely eradicated, depending upon the specificity of your wish and the purity of your character. And, just to be clear, this totally does not cause demonic possession.
Anyway, those are my top five products for broke college students. They helped me get through my freshman year when I had no money, and I’m sure they can help you too. Happy saving! By the way, if anyone knows an exorcist, please contact me. It's completely unrelated, I promise
