This Is My First Love Story

When First Love Goes Wrong

It isn't always as magical as it's cracked up to be.

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First love usually never works out. If it's your first relationship or your third, first love will change everything you know. It starts fuzzy and warm, almost like you're in a haze, but with my first love, the haze blinded me from all the wrongs of my partner. When he was gone for long periods of time, I thought nothing of it. When I heard rumors of him, I brushed them off because I trusted him with all my heart.

Bad idea past me.

After two and a half years with him, things came crashing down. Two fights, and one break during finals, yet I still couldn't see what was wrong. When he officially blind side dumped me in March despite reassuring me that he loved me just the night before, I felt like I lost everything. So then when we decided to just be friends, I thought I could still have some love in my life despite having moved on, but how wrong was I.

To recount old memories and laugh again, we went out for coffee and I brought with my old journal that I had written down in during our relationship. It was a Nicholas Sparks-style confession of love in this small notebook that I had held close to my heart and I believed that if he read this, I would finally receive closure after what had happened. However, the exact opposite happened. When we parted ways, I left the book with him. "I'll read it when I get home," he told me. Besides, I was leaving for Italy in less than 36 hours, so I thought nothing of it. Later that night, everything I thought had happened, changed in an instant.

I received his text that he had read my book and that he had something to confess. Most of me didn't care too much about what he had to say because I had moved on from him, but there was a part of me that wanted him to say that he made a mistake, that he wants me back.

I was not prepared for what he said that night.

"I cheated on you."

I'm sorry, what?

Two hours later, I have been filled in by him that he had cheated on me four times with four different people for various lengths of time and did various things that we had never done together. The first time he cheated on me was a mere eight months into our two and a half year relationship that meant the world to me. One of those girls was a close friend of mine that had just left for college. How convenient.

That next morning, I got on a plane with my mind swirling with new information and my notebook back in my hands that had an apology written in the last ten pages in scratchy handwriting that wasn't mine.

Being cheated on by your first love leaves a bad taste in your mouth for a while. Anyone who comes afterward doesn't get the treatment they deserve because of the anxiety that filled the cracks in your heart. They don't deserve the outbursts, the accusations, the overthinking, the pain that someone had created in your heart. It takes a while to either forgive them for what they did, which was the path I took, or to just take the time to heal. The right person will come along and help refill those cracks with love, instead of doubt.

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Why You Should Stop Chasing Him

You deserve better.
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They say “the thrill of the chase" makes someone more enticing. There's just something about wanting something you can't have that drives you crazy (in a good way). There is never a dull moment. Pursuing him is a challenge. Nothing comes easily. What's the fun in that anyway?

I'm going to tell you this: stop chasing him. Stop forgiving him when he forgets to answer your text messages and phone calls. Stop being the one to always make plans. Stop letting him bail on you. Stop waiting around for him. Stop being lied to. Stop making excuses when he doesn't make time for you. There is a difference between someone who is “hard to get" and a flat out jerk who doesn't give you the time of day. Stop letting him use you.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you fall asleep every night in the middle of texting him because neither of you want the conversation to end. You deserve someone who plans dates for the two of you. You deserve someone who asks you to hang out before midnight. You deserve someone who wants to spend time with you just as much as you do with them. You deserve someone who insists on paying for your ice cream. You deserve someone who won't deceive you. You deserve someone who is straightforward. You deserve attention. You deserve affection. You deserve a partnership that is mutual, not one-sided. You deserve to be chased.

You are better than 3 a.m. “Hey" texts. You are better than a night spent watching a movie just to fool around. You are better than trying to decode his vague messages. You are better than his shadiness. You are better than mind games. You are better than being ignored.

If you have to chase him, he's not worth it. Don't settle for someone who makes you beg for his attention. If he is genuinely interested in getting to know you, he will put in the effort. A relationship where your feelings are reciprocated is far more rewarding than one where you constantly feel like you have to drag him along.

Change your mentality. Become more independent. Be confident, be bold. Find happiness in being alone. Don't waste your time pathetically chasing after someone who doesn't feel the same, but doesn't have the heart or the courage to tell you so. Your self-confidence and positivity will make you radiant, and eventually, you will attract the kind of guy who is mature enough to not mess with your head.

Cover Image Credit: weheartit.com

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Ghosting Is Not Only Annoying, It’s Childish—Get Your Act Together And Respond

It's time to stop ignoring conversations.

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The term ghosting is defined as the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication. (Also, how sad is it that it actually has coined definition.) Whether you are ignoring your co-worker, friend, tinder match, mom, I can guarantee you that everyone, at least once, has ghosted on someone.

And it's understandable. That's how our society is built now. If you don't like something, you stop using it and move on to something else. If you don't want to be in a conversation, you ignore it and move to the next conversation. But when you begin to do that with every conversation, you are no longer communicating. You're just being childish.

Ghosting is easy because if you don't like how the conversation is going, you can just exit out of your messaging app and pretend it never happened. But the problem is that the other person that's involved with that conversation can't pretend like it never happened. The intention behind the ghosting is still there. Whether you are mad at that person, feel uncomfortable, or just don't want to listen what the other has to say, the receiving communicator will still know what you're feeling because you can't think of a response. The "ghoster" just couldn't face their issues and decided to hide behind a screen. And that's infuriating. If you can't handle the responsibility or responding, you shouldn't be able to start a conversation at all.

Of course, it's easier said than done, but we need to get back into the habit of finishing conversations. We need to be able to face our problems and know how to communicate them to others. We need to understand true interaction if we want to be able to have a real relationship with other people. So stop being annoying. Stop being childish. Respond.

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