First of all, you suck.

Second of all, thank you.

You made realize the most important things in my life. At one time, it was all about you. Everything I did was for you, every thought was about you. I was completely transfixed by you and what I thought we would be. The thought of our future constantly dance around in my head. You were all I talked about, all that I wanted to talk about. I (thought I) was in love.

You taught me how to love, but not how to be in love. I loved us, I loved the fact there was an "us". I loved knowing you were mine and that everyone knew that. I loved saying your name. You taught me how to love the idea of love, but not how to be completely captivated by another persons soul. You taught me to fight for love. You taught me that love was worth the hard work. You taught me to love what you said to me, and how you kissed me. You taught me to love what was on the surface.

But you never taught me how to be IN love.

You meant everything to me, even if I didn't comprehend what "everything" was. I was too naive to understand what true love is. I couldn't understand how to accept that even if I loved you that didn't mean you had to love me. I wanted to make you love me again, which in turn, pushed you away from me even more; something I also couldn't understand. My simple mind was incapable of grasping that love is a two way street, that love didn't mean unhappiness and pain.

You seemed so important to me, like I could never lose you or I would surely die... but then you did leave. And in doing so, you showed me pain beyond belief. You showed me pain and you showed me loss. You showed me that eventually you can run out of tears to cry. You showed me what it felt like to feel helpless and pathetic. You showed me that there is no worse feeling than self-consciousness. And you showed me that a heart can actually break in half.

I hated you. I hated you for what you did to me and what you took from me. You took my childhood belief that love would last forever. You made me grow up, and become someone I didn't want to be-- a girl that was broken. You made me come to understand that with love can come with serious pain.

You took everything from me, but that gave me back every important thing in my life. When you broke me, my friends fixed me. My brokenness led me back to them and their endless love for me. My jagged heart brought me to my family, and their endless love for me. You leaving me brought us all together again, as I had pushed them away in my endless effort to love you. The pain you brought me turned me to God and His ability to heal. But most importantly, my broken heart brought me back to me.

I had missed myself. I missed the me that was in love me, not you-- and I didn't even know it. It took me a while to realize how much I missed myself, but I'm so glad I did. In losing you, I found me. Without your ruthless heart break, I would have known that I don't need you to love me. I never needed you to love me. I never needed you. I only thought I did.

At the time, I hated you for all the things you showed me, and was still in love with you for the things you taught me. Needless to say, I was still naive. But now, I love you for the things you show me, and hate you for the things taught me. The things you taught me are not things I want to know. I don't want to know how to make someone feel the way I did, I would never wish that on anyone. I'm thankful you showed me what you did. Had you not, I might have made the mistake of showing those things to someone else. I love you for showing me what not to do.

I learned about the kind of person I wanted to be while my friends, family, and I nursed my broken heart. I wanted to be someone who loves because it comes easily, not because I have to. I wanted to be someone who can always make my lover smile, and never cry. I wanted to be someone who bring them nothing but happiness, all because I want to; not because I have to in order to keep them around. Now, I am that person.

I hope you find love, the kind of love we all deserve, the kind that makes you wake up in the morning glowing and fall asleep at night smiling. Like the love I have found. This love is effortless, beautiful and pure. I can love both myself and the other person without having to pick one. I don't cry and I don't constantly worry about losing the other person, all because I now know how to love healthily.

Thank you for making me hate you in order to love everyone else. You were what I needed in order to be the person I am today.

Thank you.

Thank you for breaking my heart, because you made me realize all the beautiful ways to fix it.

"Ohhh
Lillian, don't hang your head, love should make you feel good"

- The Lumineers, Charlie Boy