I wrote this as a form of therapy. If it is to ever reach you... I am sorry.
You have left me imprinted with your presence.
I use to smell sweet of your scent.
Now I only have the stench of the pain you have caused.
So I try to cleanse you out of me in all the wrong ways.
But the only ways I know to numb the pain.
A mix of liquors still lingering on my breath.
I stumble home at quarter past who-knows-what AM.
Strangers in bars don't fill the void in my heart but they do fill the space in the bed.
It doesn't smell like you anymore.
My poor attempts to find closeness are pathetic.
Maybe even an all-time low.
What is worse than seeking to be connected?
To be disconnected spiritually.
How did you do that?
Hold me so gently with such poise.
You made the fire in me smolder.
Making me feel at peace in my soul.
You were meant to be a vacation but instead,
You became home.
Until the day that our world shattered, and I realized I was the only one living in it.
So where do I go from here?
Definition: the action of reappearing or starting to flourish or increase after a decline.
Synonym: renewal, resurrection, revival.
Snakes undergo a process called ecdysis.
During which snakes must shed their skin to better suit their new growth.
How goddamn beautiful.
Well, here I am, shedding mine.
Releasing any hold that I let you have on me thus far.
I have stripped the flower.
Now comes time to dig up the root.
You didn't choose me.
I have accepted that.
I have chosen myself.
So for days when I thought the sun wouldn't rise.
Or that I couldn't have gotten out my bed if it wasn't to climb into yours.
I was wrong.
I commit to me.
I will wake up every day choosing to be in control of my happiness.
I will learn to hold myself on cold nights.
Kiss away my insecurities
And smile without you.
Remind myself, that I don't need you to dance
You were not the world only a mere fraction of it.
Your toxicity was needed to remind myself how much I loved the taste of fresh air.
So here is my ode to you, M.A.D:
Thank you for teaching me that I had the capability to love another human being this way. For it was a power I did not know I possessed. Thank you for teaching me that with everything beautiful there doesn't have to be something tragic. I must accept only what is for me and unfortunately, that was not you. Thank you for breaking me. I did not know that divine power comes from that of true healing. You have caused me to rise from the dirt and shine. To spread wings and fly. Baptized in holy water.
Here is to the rebirth.