When I was younger, I remember my grandmother talking about how my older siblings—who are six, eight, and ten years older than me— were trying to "find themselves" and explaining that sometimes the bad decisions that they made were caused by their journey to find who they were. I always hated this thought—I didn't understand why they had to find out who they were.
They were who they were, and I didn't think that trying to "find themselves" was a good enough explanation for their actions. I told myself that I would never have to try and "find myself." I would know who I was. Looking back, I don't think that I actually knew what it meant to know who I am.
After a rough past year and a half in this department, I think I understand now.
College has a way of forcing you to figure out who you really are, and what that means; you find out who you are when you're stripped of everything and everyone you've known and all you're left with is yourself. You don't have anyone around to remind you of how you "normally" act or what you "normally" say. All that's left of you is you.
Obviously the years before college are some of the most formative years of your life and help to shape you into who you are, but this new time of your life is when you get to find it out yourself. It's like how they say that character is what you do when no one is watching—your true self is who you are when no one knows who you've been. This takes some getting used to. I'm such a different person now than I'm in college.
I've struggled a lot with wondering if I've changed for the worse. I won't deny it—I've made and will continue to make poor decisions that do not reflect well on who I am. But I've also had an opportunity to understand who I am by the positive impacts I've made on the new people that have come into my life. No one that I know now in college knew me before college, so my experiences with them have been opportunities for me to understand who I am based on the clean slate I've gotten with them.
I'm starting to figure it all out, but I'm still not there yet. I now understand that it's not a bad thing to not know who you are— it's just a part of life. The important thing is to stay true to your core values and to not be ashamed of who you are.
One of my favorite quotes is from YouTuber Tyler Oakley. He said, “If I am ever tempted to change myself for other people, I have to remind myself that years from now, those people might be gone and I will still be stuck with who I wanted to try to be.” The first time I heard this, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I find myself changing myself depending on who I'm with so that I'll "fit in" with them better. But that's crazy!
First of all, people come and go, and all that you will be left with in the end is who you are. Secondly, who you uniquely are matters because you make in impact in your own way by bring unique. You are your own person with your own opportunities to contribute to the world around you, and you are making an impact even when you don't feel like you are. So be excited and bubbly. Or be somber and thoughtful. Be whoever God created you to be. Who you are is important. You are important.
