It did not make sense to me that I was feeling so isolated when I could simply text or FaceTime my partner and it would be solved. However, to me, I couldn't bring myself to it, but after some reflection, I know why.
It is because I have a hard time trusting people. I have never admitted that before, probably because I tried for years to try and get over it, but I never could get over it. I tried talking to a therapist even about it but his laissez-faire way of tackling my problems was not really that helpful. So I turned to myself and kept it inside.
For several years I always thought it stemmed from the time that one of my friends turned on me for no reason in the ninth grade or the time I was taken advantage of my freshman year. However, after thinking it over and over again, I finally have some resolve and my recent breakup really showed me the light on my problem.
The reason I had trouble trusting people came from my own inner turmoil. I was a very sad person inside and every day I bottled up that depressive side of me. It stems from years of hating myself from my early failures in life that had me fighting myself every day. Unfortunately, those demons won again and thus, the dissolution of my relationship that left me alone for once with the thoughts.
As toxic as it sounds, it was actually good that I was able to face these demons alone. I have always surrounded myself with a strong support system, opening up to those I actually trusted, however, all I did was use them as a facade; I used my support system as the very wall that would trap me. I didn't even realise this until I was out of a satisfying relationship that I was able to break down the walls and finally let myself trust those who are close to me, instead of at the arms length I always kept them at. I have slowly started letting people into my life and I feel better and better everyday.
I do not regret anything though. I'm tired of dwelling on the past that I cannot change. So I have decided to move forward and unfortunately in that process I had to break myself down to finally let myself grow. I am very thankful to have extremely supportive and caring friends and family. However, that is the thing, I gotta work on my feelings toward my family now since I have quickly gotten resolved with my friends. After my family I will be finally looking at myself again and doing a final assessment of my progress. So far so good.
Another part of me that I'm working on is my acceptance of my present. All my life I have always planned every detail of my life, even down to my movements and my words, everything I say and do has meaning. That was me focusing on the future, learning from the past, but it never was living in the moment. I had become such a robot that this also prevented me from just being.
Life is a long, turbulent road. I suggest that everyone just live in the moment, by that I mean to enjoy the long days and short nights. Once this appreciation comes about whether it's at the right moment or the wrong moment, it was meant to happen. I promise.
