This sounds like self-promo, and maybe a small part of me wants to, but the thing is probably no one will want to read it or decide to read it. Honestly, that is fine with me. It honestly scares me of someone reading it, but then why do I feel the need to document my life through a blog that I don't want anyone to read? During quarantine my life has been anything but dull. I won't bore you with the details, but a lot has happened and I have been stuck in my home with my family. I either need to keep myself busy or think all day and personally my inner thoughts turn to my regrets. This is how I have been since I was little, and I have always wanted to run away from those regrets. I would run from my thoughts till I couldn't, and then I would tell my mom everything. She is the only one who could calm me down then. Now that I am in college, I am realizing I need to be able to calm myself down, and running away from the thoughts inside my head creates a vicious cycle. I don't want that anymore. The vicious cycle must stop, so I need to reflect on me, my actions, my thoughts, and my feeling towards all of those things. Writing does that for me. Posting what I write? What does that do for me?

I have plenty of regrets and me posting my mistakes and misfortunes helps me realize how human I am. Posting my struggles is not for some pity or clout. If I wanted that I could do something crazy or controversial and post that for all to see. I am posting what has happened to me and my feelings and my opinions. I am not my Instagram or anything anyone sees on social media. I am not just a picture with a few likes. That can't define me anymore. Everyone sees everyone else's best on social media. People compare their lives to these famous celebrities' lives that we don't get to see the real and raw sides of them. That is not fair to put all that pressure on ourselves. We don't have people to make us look prim and perfect all the time. We don't have teams to clean up our social messes as they do. The only paparazzi we have is ourselves and our friends. The only PR team we have is ourselves and whoever we ask for advice from. We are human and they are too, they just don't have the luxury of acting like they are human anymore. When I post my life, the good and the bad, I get to be human. I get to show every side of who I am and that is why I started my blog. I wanted to find out who I am and who I am becoming. I can't do that if I hold myself to a standard that makes it impossible to let myself make mistakes.

While my blog has all the gory details of my thoughts and my pain. I also want to start putting some of the best days of my life and things that make me happy. Yeah, it won't only be my personal journal, but at the moment it is my safe space. No one will read it because it is not always the easiest thing to find, and if they do then why not? If they find it cool. They get to read how someone else was feeling in a day they lived through too. They might feel some of the same things I feel. Maybe they won't feel alone or be hurting as bad because someone is alone or hurting with them? Maybe we can celebrate together on how awesome our days were and start changing cyberspace into a more positive place (lol dude that rhymed). I mean I have always been pretty much an open book when I am ready to be. I haven't posted everything on it because it is a public place, but I do publish most things because I want to feel free of them. If anyone can see these things, then I am not holding on to them or hiding them from anyone for any reason. Whether to publish some things, is a hard line to cross, but I know if I am not ready to publish it then I am still scared of those memories and moments of my life that are over. I don't want to be that way there is too much of my life to live to be scared of what happened before. I am only 19, and I have plenty more to live through. Quarantine has been a time for me to reflect on this self-destructive tendency and hopefully let it be. The things that I can't let go, I will eventually let go, and I will have some sort of peace, but right now I think I will continue to ghost blog my feelings towards me, my thoughts, and my actions because that is all I can control.