Coming from a family with little to no educational background, it’s tough. There are expectations that need to be exceeded, requirements that need to be met, and things that need to be clearly understood.

I’m not saying I have any sort of problem with being of daughter of immigrants. It’s just that there’s always a burden on your shoulders to make your parents realize that their risks in life were well worth their time and efforts. It’s hard balancing academics, extracurriculars, boyfriends, girlfriends, parties, friends, ex’s, priorities and yourself. I understand that everyone has problems and I’m not saying I’m anyone special.

But it’s all coming down on me.

I can’t balance it anymore. I feel its all falling down and taking the wrong turn in life. Anxiety has become my best friend while I share my bubble with depression and I continue to sleep with apprehension. I can’t blame anyone but myself but I definitely wish I could. My grades are slipping, my friends are leaving, my love doesn’t love me back and my parents actually think I have my life together. How do I tell them that I’m a mess?

All I feel like doing is escaping this life and find myself; but I don’t even have a sweet escape anymore. My boyfriend was my haven, he’s gone. Parties used to be my retreat, they had to stop. Friends were my sanctuary, they drifted. School used to be my getaway, I’m sinking. I’m living in an asylum, which is my own mind that I’m trying to run from. I’m trying to find myself by running away.

Im just trying to find myself.

Maybe this is just a bad patch. Or maybe your twenties are supposed to be messy and filled with bad decisions. Or maybe, it’s just me. I’m making bad decisions and I don’t where my life is going. I need to find myself and get back on track. I'm lost and no on is by my side to help me anymore because they’re too busy doing their own thing. Maybe I’m not important to them anymore. Maybe I’m not worth anything to them. Why?

Why is this all happening.

Everyone I know is doing bigger things and finding him or herself when I don’t even know when or how to start. I used to love dancing and singing and big adventures but now even those seem irrelevant. I'm losing so much of my old self. I just want my old carefree life back when school had recess, when boys didn’t break up with girls, when the whole class was your friend and when we lived carefree.

I guess if I find myself, it’ll go somewhat back to that.