I recently started a study on my university's campus...

...where I observed people's behavior in silence and later asked them questions in order to gauge their general level of intelligence. In essence, I challenged each and every person, whether knowingly or unknowingly, to an intellectually titanic game of chess; let me explain how.

Firstly, I sat in one of the commonly-visited areas of campus, the library, in my incognito outfit (trench coat, shades, fedora— everything you need to be inconspicuous.) As people passed by me chillaxing on one of the chairs and playing Starfox 64 on my DS, I took mental note of how many noticed me. This was the first sign of a heightened intellectual sense...

Secondly, after being asked to leave the reading rooms, I waited outside to interview each of the people who had noticeably looked over at me, in my almost unnoticeable position. At this point, I had taken off my shades in order to seem more approachable to the common peasant. This time, I had my trusty notepad out to record what would transpire. As each person came out over the course of several (five) hours, I asked each of them a riddle:

"If Jimmy is 8 and his brother Albert is half his age, how old will Albert be when Jimmy is 80?"

To which the typical answer was a resounding "76," which most people would assume is correct. What these people didn't know, however, is that Albert's age has a direct, multiplicative relation to Jimmy's, meaning that when Jimmy is 80, Albert will be 40, since he ages at half the rate that Jimmy does. The fact that almost none of these people, none of these college students were able to answer this very simple riddle correctly is, to be a quiet Frank, astounding to me. Among these very clearly mentally challenged students, I also found people who tended to major in sociology and unironically listened to Gucci Gang. Shocking, to say the least.

There was one person, however, who did get this riddle correct: it was me, yours truly. Sorry to say but, if you can't measure up to my level of intelligence, then you really shouldn't be in college, and have fun working at McDonald's with your inferior IQs when you inevitably realize your lack of mental capability. To those of you who understood the riddle and answered it correctly: congratulations. I will treat you with respect, but not as an equal, because there can be only one, and honey? You've got a big storm heading your way.