Finals Week, as told by John Mulaney

Finals Week, as told by John Mulaney

Because I seriously don't know how I'd make it through the end of the semester without a little bit of laughter


As predicted by last semester, finals week has crept up on me a lot faster than expected, and I am now feeling the pressing weight of last-minute papers and culminating projects bearing down upon my shoulders. It is in times like these, when the stress is almost too much for me to handle, that I turn to comedy to help me through things, trying to relate my own struggles in a much lighter sense. Here are 8 John Mulaney quotes that I have been thinking about this week to help alleviate my academic suffering and relax a bit!

"I don't look older, I just look worse."

Me looking at myself in the mirror the morning after spending 16 hours in Raynor, studying a total of 4 chapters because everything about biology is just so difficult for me to understand.

I wish I was kidding.

"In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin."

That feeling when your last few meetings of the semester get canceled and you realize you might be able to sleep an extra 30 minutes or so tonight.

"I don't make plans anymore. So I'm not living minute to minute."

Re-blocking your ENTIRE weekly routine to make more time to finish your research for your final philosophy project.

I just LOVE being organized and changing my mind 24/7!

"Something happened here. You hope it's a miracle, but probably not."

Mood after taking my chemistry final last semester and nearly crying in the middle of it.

"All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it."

I interpreted this one a bit differently. Think of it like this: "All I know is just the stuff I memorized from my Quizlet. I have reread the textbook maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it."

That's how you know it's time to take a break/go to bed.

"The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time."

This can be related to two words: procrastination nation.

"You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term."

Kind of similar to what I told myself that one time I walked into Raynor at 11 pm last semester, after the Marquette vs. Madison basketball game.

"I look back on being 17 and think, 'Oh my God, how did I not die?'"

Change the age of 17 to the age of 19, and you'll have my exact thoughts about a week from now when I look back at how many hours I spent hunkering down in front of my laptop trying to remember everything about diatoms and Dorothy Day.

Wishing you all the best of luck with finals week and whatever else the end of your semester may entail.

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