How is one able to confirm that their friends truly care about them and value who they are, inside and out?

I’ve been asking myself this very question recently because it has come to my attention that I might not even know the answer myself. Sure, asking “Do you consider me a real friend?”, or something similar is an option. But is it the best? Not to me. You’d get the forced, “Yes of course! You're amazing!” answer. I see nothing sincere in that response whatsoever unless, of course, they really do mean it.

But how can you tell?

Because of this, and the many other factors built upon it, it’s hard for me to establish who is a true friend who genuinely enjoys my company. There is a clear difference between how my friends act in front of me, and how they act with others in our group.

I spotted it instantly. They’ll get the affection, compliments, support, loyalty, whatever positive vibes you can think of. I feel neglected from receiving any of these unless it’s forced.

In a group, I can see which friends are considered the favorites, who everyone cares about and wants to spend time with the most. They’re asked about their day if they want to go do this or that, whether or not they’re feeling okay. They’re the ones that others go to for advice, to laugh with, to be their plus one for any and all events.

I’m the one sitting on the side, silently watching it all unfold in front of my face. You think I’m just being antisocial.

I am not silent because I don't want to talk. I am silent because I feel unwanted.

I worry that many of my friendships consist of me trying my best to project my interest and appreciation onto them, while they try to force themselves to do the same. Maybe it’s just the anxiety in me where I can’t help but think everything relates back to me and my incompetence. Either way, I don’t see myself receiving reciprocity.

I do have multiple friend groups. However, at times such as these, I question whether or not they appreciate having me as a friend. I feel lonely, knowing that the minute I try to engage in conversation, I’m ignored 95% of the time.

If I could receive any form of reassurance that I’m a good friend, that I’m doing something right, this worry that has built up inside of me would diminish. I pray for the day my friends notice how I feel. Until then, I will continue to do my best to show my love for them and wait to receive the same in a sincere matter.