I'm entitled to my emotions. I'm allowed to let them channel through me, like a current through a socket. I'm permitted to let the emotions overcome me, to breakdown for a little bit.

But not everybody gives me that right.

On Wednesday, I had a phone conversation that resulted in me breaking down into tears. The response was immediate and it wasn't comforting. It was cold, devoid. Instantaneous, without any feeling of its own; except for anger. The response was, “Good, God. Stop crying.”

I've heard this exact response many times before. It's come when I got overwhelmed by the anger, the sadness, and the loss that I've felt. Sometimes these emotions aren't even mine but I feel them all the same, and when the tears spring to my eyes, those emotions suddenly are mine. I've heard, “Why are you crying?” “Stop crying. There's no reason to cry.” “What's wrong with you?” I've heard these things with a snap, with a furrowed brow, with an exasperated cry. There she goes crying again about nothing.

But to me it is something.

To me it is the emotions displayed on my friends faces. To me it is the emotions I heard within my teachers voice. To me it is the sorrow I feel. It's a deep resounding sorrow that echoes all throughout my bones.

I am in grief. I am angry. I am hurt. And it is okay to be these things. Of course, there will be a day when I wake up and those feelings are gone. There will be a day when I don't see those feelings all around me. But until then I am a current for everybody. I am the outlet that others use. I am the shoulder to cry on. Whenever they shed their grief and loss, I will be able to as well.

But until then. I am allowed to feel my emotions. I am allowed to speak out. This will not be something that happens every day. But this is something that is happening now. This is something that is still reverberating within the confines of my skull.

I have heard too many people complain of my emotions. I'm too hard to handle. I'm too fragile. You can't tell me something without me getting upset. Let me be upset. Tell me and let the tears wash down my face. Hold me gingerly when you think I'm too fragile. Hold me an arm's length away when you think I'm too hard to handle. But let me feel my emotions. Don't try to tell me to stop. Don't say you don't understand, there's nothing to cry about. Because for me, there is.

I have found someone who admires my emotions. Who thinks I'm brave when I cry. Who comforts me and makes me laugh through the tears. Someone who is there when it is all too much. And it is all too much. I have found someone who understands I can be worried and still go about my daily life. I have found someone who doesn't understand others who yell at me for my opinion, yell at me for my emotions, yell at me sometimes for just being me. Me, who is always trying to do right. Me, who is always trying so hard to provide a good example for others. Me, who is always falling short. Me, who is empathetic. Emotional. Something that shouldn't be hard to grasp, but yet still is.

Let me have my emotions. I let you have yours. I stand by as you yell. I bite the inside of my cheek. Let me have my emotions. I have seen your anger. I have felt it when you pushed me. Pulled my hair. Growled in my face, hot air upon my eyelashes. Let me have my emotions. I have comforted your sorrow. I have told you I'm sorry. Put my arms around you. Took your pain away. Let me have my emotions. I have cherished your happiness. Floated in it. Swam in the warm waters.

Let. Me.

I need to heal. Move on.

I need a release in order to do so.

So let me have my emotions.

I will never stop fighting to be that good example, to help everyone. I will never stop fighting for what I think is right.

So let me.

Please.