The street bustled with students rushing to class, some chatting amongst themselves, others with their eyes fixated on LCD screens. While all of your peers were engaged in some form of socialization or another, you walked alone, staring straight ahead.
People like to say that you are shy. Those are the polite, bite-your-tongue type of people. You prefer that type to those who sneer the word "bitch" five steps behind you as if you are enveloped in some sort of impenetrable bubble that mutes the world around you. You wish that were the case. Instead you hear every foul remark, every snicker and jeer, every cruel glance.
In small group settings you are the life of the party. Your friends wish you would just shut up every once in a while. They see you as bright and bubbly, talkative, loud, and borderline annoying. You shine in the classroom, making the Dean's list every semester. You're involved around campus in sports, clubs, community service, and your sorority.
You cross the street, emerging in front of the crowd. Your fast walking pace makes you stick out like a sore thumb. Guys snicker behind you, "It's not a race!" but they don't understand the anxiety that you feel walking between 75 pairs of legs, 75 other backpacks. You feel like a lost guppy trapped in a giant school of fish.
Later on there's a huge party happening. Your friends will be there and you decide to go. The thumping bass from the backyard can be heard half a mile away. You stand nervously at the edge of the driveway, hurriedly texting away at your screen, waiting for a friend to respond. You assume they are already there. You walk down the long driveway to the backyard.
Several girls are standing against the back stairs. They compliment you on your outfit. You thank them and keep walking, searching for your friends in the crowd. All of the faces blend together and you can't tell one blonde girl from the next. Instead of winding through the throngs of revelers, you stand on the outside. You watch the people having fun. You look down and your phone to see that no one has texted back yet. After a few minutes you decide to go home rather than joining in.
You're involved around campus in sports, clubs, community service, and your sorority. You talk to very few people in each group and you don't want to know what their collective opinion of you is. You avoid big group functions and when you do go, you stand around awkwardly wishing you were curled up in bed with a good book. You aren't an introvert, but you aren't an extrovert. You wonder what is wrong with you. You pretend not to care but deep down, you care so much.
To the girl who feels alone in big crowds, I want to tell you that I understand you. I understand you because I was, am, and will always be you.
