You know when you’re sitting at home talking to your roommate about how much you love corgis? Or how you’ve been thinking about starting “Scandal” as your next binge show? Or how your favorite kind of cheese is gruyere? And then you have like 50 ads on your various social media accounts for corgis, “Scandal,” and gruyere? Yeah, same.

We all know we have FBI agents living in our phones and computers, but sometimes I forget how personal we must be with them. Here are 11 things I wish my FBI agent didn’t see me do every day.

1. Change my clothes

I don’t really want a stranger seeing me naked, but thanks, FBI.

2. Watch 14 straight hours of Netflix

Not only is it embarrassing how much of a life I don’t have, but it’s embarrassing they see me at such an unattractive angle.

3. Talk to my cat

I know he can’t talk back, but he’s just such a good listener, OK?

4. Wear the same shirt for multiple days

Laundry takes forever, but so does picking a new outfit. Sorry!

5. Lie to my professors about why I can’t come to class

I don’t actually have a stomach ache. I’m just too lazy to walk to the other end of campus sometimes.

6. Dance alone in my room

When things get stressful, I need to dance it out. Sorry if you don’t like my moves, FBI agent.

7. Eat an entire container of guacamole and a whole bag of chips in one sitting

I was too lazy to get up to put them away, so I just… ate them all…

8. Cry at “Grey’s Anatomy”


9. Drink copious amounts of alcohol

My parents can’t know, so it’ll be our little secret, FBI agent.

10. Listen to a song on repeat until I hate it

Sorry if you’re sick of hearing the new Post Malone album, FBI agent. I still can’t get enough.

11. Cry at videos of dogs

We all do it. It’s not just me.