Water: the substance that makes life possible.
I think I heard someone say that once, not really sure. On a long, hot day, nothing feels more refreshing than a nice, long gulp of cold water. There is tap water, water from a fountain, and of course, bottled water. With so many different brands of bottled water available these days, it becomes difficult to know which one to choose. But once you find that one that works for you, there is no going back. Finding the perfect bottled water brand feels similar to, I assume, welcoming your first child into the world. You can tell a lot about someone based on their preferred brand of bottled water; it just might be the most revealing trait of all regarding the core essence of a human being.
1. Arrowhead
If you regularly drink Arrowhead, you are probably pretty content with your life. Maybe it did not turn out exactly as you anticipated, but it turned out well enough, all things considered. You have no realistic plans of making your life better, but are also confident it will not get any worse. You are, all things considered, absolutely average. You like to just go with the flow, and that's okay.
2. Dasani
Ahh, Dasani. The water of the Gods, at least according to those who drink it. Dasani drinkers are intelligent, analytical and have an impeccable understanding of the human condition. They do not boast about it, but they are probably the smartest person in the room. They often spout deeply profound statements regarding life's most existential questions, blowing the minds of all those around them, before they lean back and take a drink from their Dasani bottle, enjoying the fresh, crisp and refreshing taste of their water of choice.
3. Evian
The word "pretentious" has never been more properly applied than when it is used to describe a person who prefers drinking Evian water. Even the name sounds like someone trying to pronounce a word in a language they do not speak. Evian drinkers always have to have the last word in any conversation or argument and they regularly act like experts on issues they actually have no idea about. On the surface, they appear confident and conceded, but in actuality they are often misunderstood and may act this way in some sort of effort to stand out and be liked, since they are terrified of lack of acceptance by those around them.
4. Crystal Geyser
This brand is bottled, so they say, right from the source, whatever that means. It's supposedly all natural, so naturally those that drink it are all natural as well. They are often vegetarian or vegan and may also be referred to as "granola crunchers." However, this is not entirely true because a real "granola cruncher" would never drink from a bottle of water due to the negative impact it would have on the environment. Crystal Geyser drinkers are, for lack of a better term, "fake granola crunchers."
5. Aquafina
Aquafina lovers are unbelievably happy, like way too happy. They always have a smile on their face and there is simply no way to bring them down. Unless, of course, they go to the store in search of bottled water and find that the store has run out of their favorite brand. In that case, they may start screaming and crying and knocking things over right in the middle of the store. But other than that, they are some of the most cheerful people you will ever meet.
6. Fiji
Drinkers of this luxury brand are always looking to make their lives better. They are dreamers, so to speak. They always wish they were somewhere else, which explains why they drink water bottled in Fiji and shipped all the way here. Fiji drinkers love to reach for the stars, and they will never stop trying to make their dreams come true, Fiji bottle in hand of course.
7. Voss
Voss drinkers may live slightly above their means, but that does not matter because they are just as cool as the water they drink. Voss water comes in the most sophisticated looking bottle of all the brands, so it only makes sense that their drinkers be sophisticated as well. They will likely roll up in their fancy car to the nicest restaurant in town, drinking their Voss water and bathing in the glory of living such a sophisticated lifestyle.
8. Deja Blue
Drinkers of this brand believe they are far funnier than they actually are. They are always trying to be funny and crack jokes, but the jokes rarely ever hit their mark. There is a time and a place for puns, but bottles of water is not one of them, and this brand name is essentially a pun. Always be careful if you get stuck in a conversation with a Deja Blue drinker, you will likely have to force yourself to laugh at all of their supposed jokes.
There are many aspects of ourselves that make us who we are, but there is no better indicator than a person's preferred brand of bottled water. It is an absolutely fool-proof science that allows us to truly understand what makes a person unique. Next time you go to get a bottle of water, make sure to consider what your choice of bottled water says about who you are.
