I can't help myself sometimes. The words just tumble out of my mouth in a monotone voice that is always taken as an insult. I promise I'm a nice person. It's like a disease that affects my brain and won't allow me to correctly take or give compliments, or have any normal genuine conversations. My parents are worried, my friends are mad, and my dates are very confused. It's both an art form and a skill, though, and I'm here to share with you a few of the struggles that come with this super power.
1. Your friends and family no longer trust you.
You have the art of the straight face insult down and they don't know what the hell is going on. Whether you are being genuine or not (usually not), nobody wants to take you seriously for fear that they'll fall victim to your insincerity.
2. Your friends are always unsure if you're mad at them or not.
Everyone is unsure if you're mad at them or not.
3. If you're a girl dating guys, you really have to tone it down to not seem like a jerk.
Because a jerk isn't seen as cute. Gotta play the game, right? Try not to insult your date and he may not drop you off on the side of the road somewhere. Honest truth.
Or don't tell a guy over the phone that you really just love the "Tron" comic books. You will be taken to a three-hour movie about said comic books, all due to the fact that he didn't interpret your tone or voice. Some people just don't get it.
4. You cannot take a compliment.
Every compliment is met with discomfort and will always get some kind of weird, self-deprecating answer, or a complete redirect of the conversation.
5. Having to explain that you are being sarcastic and not serious make you feel less than.
It's the same thing as explaining a joke to someone. It takes away the beauty and mystique of sarcasm and kills it and hurts your heart a little.
6. Sensitive people make your head hurt.
Nothing you say will be taken well and it feels like you are walking on pins and needles.
7. There's an exclusive club in your head for the people that get you.
You can get away with more when you're around those beautiful people. They're your best friends and are usually as brilliant as you are and that makes every interaction the just about best thing ever.
8. People take it for confidence.
They couldn't be more off point. If you're like me, you probably have the lowest self-confidence and the sarcasm somehow tricks people.
9. The moment when you burn someone and they laugh makes you feel like you can walk through fire.
You feel unstoppable. Like you can get away with anything and everything.
10. Boyfriends and guys that you're talking to always have to ask, "do you actually like me?"
I've heard this countless times and feel awful every time. I can't help that even if I said I had feelings for someone, it would sound like I wasn't being serious.
11. Flirting is every sarcastic person's Kryptonite.
Sincerity is not your strong point and when someone else is being vulnerable with you, all you can see are possible jokes. You wish you could stop and be normal, but the voice in your head refuses and being serious and upfront with people you like absolutely makes you want to cringe. It's all both hilarious and horrifying.
12. You hardly ever say what you're feeling, especially when it matters most.
It's difficult to verbalize your feelings to begin with. When you feel uncomfortable, it's easiest to just diffuse the tension with sarcasm or jokes.
13. That and texting.
Inflection doesn't really come across over the phone and can really get you in trouble when your text is full of smartassery. That, or you send something genuinely sincere and then do this:
14. Giving legit compliments is hard, and hardly ever believed.
People just stare at you and get angry based off of past experience. It hurts you that they refuse to accept it, but to them, they are protecting themselves from being the butt of your joke.
15. When people try to pull one over you, aka The Master of Sarcasm.
16. New people think you are an a$$hole.
And your friends, bless them, are your ciphers. They're used to having to clear things up with people for you, and explaining what you really meant.
17. Sometimes you go too far, though.
I don't need an example for this because we all surely have a foot in mouth moment in the back of our heads that we use as a reason to think before you speak.
18. You can dish out your worst to the people closest to you, and they can dish it right back.
You're on the same wavelength, and that's how you know that you guys will always understand each other.
19. Nobody knows how you really feel.
Good? Bad? Awful? Nobody knows and you are very okay with that.
20. You are your own comic relief and you think the people around you are blessed with a gift.
You are hilarious, I know. I am too, it's OK. Sometimes though, the people around us just don't agree. Their loss.
21. And an existential crisis for you is when people don't think you're funny.
It takes you all the way back to childhood, rethinking every choice you ever made.