My name is Allison, though I do not particularly enjoy my name, that's my name. I am the second child and also the middle, which has always landed me under the accusatory light growing up. As a young child, ages 1-6, my parents were still together and hated each other, but my mother only stayed with him because she had nothing else in her life. She was unable to get a job because she had two toddlers and she was a teen mom that dropped out of school in 8th grade or 9th grade. My dad abused her a lot, and in turn, she'd abuse us because she didn't know what to do and she was scared of my father. My father would routinely, in his fits of inexplicable rage, throw heavy objects at my mother; like his football gear, or anything that could do some damage.
It only got worse as I got older. By the time I was 7 years old I was put on the anti depressant Wellbutrin and an ADHD med that I can't remember the name of. Nothing that happend made any sense to me as a young child. My mother married a man that was 7 years younger than her. He was only around 20, 21 years old, while she was fresh out of a years long relationship with my father about 3 months earlier. They had a courthouse wedding when I was still very young when all this was going on. This man was my grandma's husband's nephew, so he wasn't related to us, but he was my mom's stepdad's nephew.- It's a mouthful and a bit confusing, and for that I'm sorry. - Fast forward a few months after the wedding and my mom found out she was expecting again. For this baby she was over the moon. She always referred to her as her "precious cargo" so proud of the baby she had the 'right way' and not out of wedlock like myself and my older sister. Baby sister arrived in all her glory in May of 2004. I was 8 years old when she was born.
After a year and a half of my baby sister being born, her husband got deployed to Iraq to weld broken and war torn tanks, trucks and what have you. After he left, my mother became unfaithful. Thus beginning her descent into chasing unfavorable men. I knew something was going on but I didn't know what, as I was a child and didn't even know what sex was yet. My mom was always hanging around her step-brother in law when her husband was deployed. They would always be hugging kissing, and spending the night together. There was a while where my step-dad had leave for a couple weeks and he'd found out about the affair. This was in 2007. I have no idea exactly when the affair started, but that sure ended their marriage. He remarried a woman he'd known for many years through his church who had also gone through a divorce, she was the pastor's daughter. They never had kids together. They haven't been together for many years now.
My mom has not had any sort of stable life at all since her and my dad broke up in 2002. 2008 was THE ABSOLUTE WORST. Early 2008 she'd met some guy online and had started a secret relationship with him. She would leave us at home to drive almost an hour away just to see him, party, and sleep with him. Sometimes she'd be gone all night and get home piss drunk at like 5am. Other times she'd be back a day later, by the weekend.. there was even a time she'd been gone for 3 weeks. Utilities started getting shut off due to her not paying bills. We were home alone with no adults in the house for a month. My older sister was 14 at this point and wanted to be a normal teenager and have sleepovers and all that jazz. I wanted to be a normal kid at 11 but I was forced to grow up. For months of that woman just leaving without warning, leaving us alone, we had to raise our toddler sister. We had no choice but to potty train her. She ran out of diapers and we had no way to get any. We ran out of food so we had to beg neighbors to give us literally anything they wouldn't eat just to get by. That's an awful lot for 3 kids to have to take on alone. Not to mention my older sister was very cold towards me and was not nice. She was always throwing stuff at me, which I would dodge and these things would pierce the wall. She'd use all her weight and tackle me to the ground in anger and hit me repeatedly. There were holes in the wall from her doing this. I'd get locked out of the house often and I even had to spend nights on the porch. Worst thing she'd done at that point was chase me down swinging a dirt digging shovel at my head, a neighbor saw her doing this and confiscated the shovel. Then about a week after this craziness my uncle showed up.. if it wasn't for my uncle coming by randomly one day and caring for us, one of us would have died for sure. He wasn't perfect either and had his own demons, but he cared.
I wish I could say things improved a lot by then, but unfortunately not. There was one day when she came home out of nowhere and lied to me about taking me and my little sister to a new restaurant in town... she instead took us to her boyfriends house. I HATED him with a passion. The man was a mean drunk and she didn't care because she wanted him for the trouser snake and money, that was it. She never worked a day in her life outside of being a parent up to this point, she was 32, nearing 33. Summer was almost over at this point. We had been at his house for a week. and things were tense. Her and her boyfriend had gone out for drinks that night and were both plum drunk. Stumbling around and not being very discreet about it. An hour or so after coming home - 3am - they had started a huge fight about something trivial and woke everyone up. It was as physical as it was verbal. He was pushing her around, tried pushing her down the stairs at one point. One by one us kids went to the van waiting for our mom to come out and take us to safety. We ended up going to a gas station and I called 911. My mom was incoherent and could really speak without sounding like she was having a stroke. But they wanted to speak with her anyways. The Police met us at a store not too far from the house, took her story about what happened. He didn't ticket or book her for drunk driving because of the situation at hand. The police busted the front door down and arrested him on outstanding warrants. That night we packed out bags and left. This was the aforementioned big break up. We thought this was the end of the badness. It definitely was not. She went back to this man and forced me and my little sister to go with her. I was literally dragged out the door and forced even after crying to my grandma and older sister to not let it happen.
To spare everyone the details and repetition, my sister ended up moving in with my dad after my mom dragged me out. I didn't see her for a year. I had mixed feelings given the circumstances. Nothing in my life was positive at this point and I was never happy. Nothing gave me joy I didn't know how unnatural my childhood was until much later. When I finally turned 14 I had enough of the never ending moving game my mom liked to play, and the game of tail chasing to last forever. I finally moved out. I moved in with my dad and sister. I was happy for a while. But my sister was not nice. She would be so mean to me. I'd get my shins kicked, names called, arms locked hard and other bad things done to me. She was deceitful and shady and nobody was ever the wiser. She used her charm to get people to like her, she still does to this day. I never understood how she acquired her friends. Well she moved out after she graduated and things got bad again for me.
After my sister had moved out I trusted the wrong person to spend time with and I fell victim to rape, I was 16 at this point. I may not have been threatened but rape is rape.. when you're told no stop, I don't want to do this, that is a clear indication of the other person not being interested in your advances. He didn't care. I kept this incident to myself for a couple months because I was terrified of the repercussions I would face if news got back to my dad. I visited my mom for a week in the summer that I was raped. I broke down to her and told her when happened and she was mad at me, my sisters were both mad at me.. then she made the call to my dad. If I wasn't scared before that, I definitely was after this call. I had an awful thing happen to me and all anyone had in their mind was that it was on me for letting him in. He was a trusted friend. This RUINED the rest of my time living with my dad.
He treated me different, not good different. He took away all social privileges from me, put up cameras, barred me from going outside of my room unless it was to use the bathroom. This lasted for 2 1/2 years after I was raped. There was one incident in particular when I was starving and I couldn't resist my hunger anymore and I poured a bowl of cereal and he was not happy, keep in mind, this was one of those big bargain bags you can get at the store for like 5 dollars and it lasts you a while unless you live, breathe, and eat only cereal. He got so mad that I poured a bowl he threw the bag at my head saying something to the tune of "next time just eat the entire bag you fat cow". He was so mad at me that he was an inch from my face yelling at me spittle spewing at me to go to my room. I started going and he shoved me down on the love-seat with a lot of force and threatened to hit me if I walked away from him again. He was holding me down by putting pressure on my collar bones and in the muscle between the collar bones and throat. I was having a panic attack and was crying in heaving sobs to his then girlfriend to help me. She was in such shock though she couldn't do anything but watch. I was edging on 17 when this happened.
After this incident I just didn't do anything. I gave up on life, school, and myself. I was dangerously close to ending it all. Countless other bad things have happened to me since this one in particular but those are stories for another time. For 19 years it was like I could never be good enough for anyone to want to care about me or love me unconditionally. The only ones that have are my grandmothers, I will always love them for being there for me. So many terrible things have happened to me in my 23 years on this earth. BUT I do NOT let those things define who I am today. The terrible things that have happened to me have helped to shape me into the resilient woman I am today. Although My husband And I struggle financially right now, I am finally happy with my life. I have known my husband for 17 years and we have been together 4, marred for 1.5 and we have an almost 3 year old daughter now. I vowed to NEVER be like my parents were. My parents don't hold a place in my life anymore. I haven't seen my dad in 5 years now, and have no future plans to, as he has made it clear he want no part in my life. I have gotten along with my mom occasionally but our relationship is not good standing currently. Sometimes the people that are supposed to influence you to do good in life are the best examples of what not to do, and what not to be like. Be the best you that you can be.
