I was given an interesting assignment in my poetry class the other day, “Write a poem answering the question, ‘are you OK?’” At first, I thought the assignment was going to be an easy one. Of course, I’m OK, why wouldn’t I be? Yet, after sitting down and staring at the blank screen on my computer for what felt like an hour, I realized that perhaps none of us are truly OK, but THAT is OK.

In my last article, I wrote about having in-depth conversations with someone and how one of the most incredible aspects of having those kinds of conversations is that you know when they ask questions like: “how are you? Are you OK?” they actually mean it and they want to know how you’re doing.

However, that very aspect of conversation caused me to think about the actual conversations we have on a daily basis, and how when we ask people how they are doing or if they are OK, we aren’t really making them feel comfortable answering.

“How are you?” has become such a formality in today’s culture that when we are asked that question, we just assume the role of saying “I’m fine” even if we actually are not doing well. I can personally speak to this.

I used to say, “I’m fine” all the time when my boyfriend would ask how I was doing or what was going on, but he kept inquiring. He would ask what was truly going on, how things were actually going, and it turned everything around. It turned all my “fines” into “not so good” or “actually good” because it was what it was.

I realized that I too had fallen into the trap of resorting to “I’m fine” and I’m grateful I have someone who cares enough to get to the root of it and make me aware, but unfortunately, not everyone does.

What’s more, is that through no fault of our own we have constructed this “I’m fine” society by simply asking the question and then moving on to what we actually wanted to talk about, as if there was no actual interest in the first place.

Perhaps most challenging in this question of whether “How are you?” is really what we should be asking is the fact that we have made it so that people feel uncomfortable talking about their actual feelings.

Most people do not feel so self-secure that they say exactly how they’re feeling and what’s going on with no hesitation when they are asked a simple question.

Worst of all, that might be making the very matter worse.

If we continue to perpetuate this idea that asking how someone is should be treated as a formality, then we are in turn setting an example for the younger generation that they should be more reserved when it comes to talking about their feelings and how they are doing.

By acting like a question about someone’s life is just being nice, we are in turn convincing people that we don’t really care- and that is absolutely not OK.

Now, I’m not saying that every time someone asks how you are or how you are doing you have to reveal all the personal, intimate details of your life. Nor am I suggesting that people shouldn’t ask how someone else is doing. Rather, I question if we have been treating the “how are you?” and “I’m fine” culture in an unfair manner. Do we really want kids to feel like it’s just a formality? Because like it or not, while they may not feel that way as a child around friends or family, they will start to as they grow older.

While “how are you?” seems so considerate to us, what we need to start paying attention to is whether someone’s response of “I’m fine” is something we should inquire about more. If you’re in a rush and passing someone by, then it’s understandable that you are going to accept their response and keep on moving.

However, if you’re not busy and you have a few minutes to talk, maybe you should dig a bit deeper. Ask what’s going on in their life, how they’re doing and feeling about what’s going on in the world at large. It’s not asking much of you, and it’s helping someone else.

Someone might be fine, YOU might be fine, but being fine, does not mean that you are also OK, so let’s turn this formality into something amazing, and make sure each “fine” is an actual “OK.”