Several months later and I was still recovering, still coping. It's not easy and while I had made a lot of strides and tried to maintain a positive outlook on life, I was still caught in a constant time loop of that morning. There are times where it seems like it happened so long ago, and others where it feels like it just happened. It's a process, for all of us.
I don't know why I survived and others didn't, and it's definitely on my mind a lot. My faith, relationships with people, and my belief in myself have been tested. I'm sure it'll continue as I move through this healing process. With all of this, I have learned a lot about myself and others. People who I thought would always be there, aren't; and others who I thought wouldn't care at all, do.
I know it hasn't always been easy, being a part of my life. I mean, it never really was before, but now? Now, it's worse, I know. I'm rather difficult, I have issues – I don't know when I'll be triggered by something and I tend to avoid going out these days for a multitude of reasons. Be it weather, anxiety, stress…
I have changed as a person and I'm still transitioning. I do not have a 5-second rebound rate anymore. It takes time to process and sometimes that means even distancing myself from negativity. This does not mean I don't care, it just means I care more about myself right now and how things affect me.
It was sad to learn that when doing two interviews about the recovery of the flood, I had individuals who were not even in the city accuse me of drinking and driving and that I deserved to end up in the predicament I was in. I was further heartbroken that these lies were from some individuals that I trusted with my life. While I am thankful for the friends and acquaintances that spoke out for me, explaining that if I was as intoxicated as they said I was, I wouldn't have been able to break out of my car, let alone hang on a tree for hours on end. Let's not forget to add that, tests would have shown the alcohol in my system, as they test for everything.
With that blow, I instantly pulled away from everyone and everything, except my job. If it didn't have to do with charity or work, I was not going to be a part of it. I already had this guilt about going out that night. I fully accept that I shouldn't have been out and I already felt I deserved what happened to me. But it just made me contemplate my life, my existence more. It sent me further into suicidal thoughts and tendencies that I never thought was possible.
My faith in God was challenged in more ways than one to where I would constantly ask why and be angry even for not taking me instead. Because why not? I didn't have a fiance' and two adorable children, nor a career. I selfishly wished at times, and on occasion now, that I wish it were me that had died.
Many people would say, "You are so blessed," or "God/Angels were watching over you!" To that, I would scream back sometimes or be very firm in my words. God had nothing to do with it. It was just luck for me. I was lucky. Because if I was so blessed, then why wasn't Mr. Sampson blessed? Why didn't he live? Was he not blessed? That's a slap in his family's face and others who lost their loved ones. It had nothing to do with God. It all had to do with luck. I was lucky that morning, and because I was lucky I am now haunted by the screams and deafening water every day.
Photo: Courtesy of the Wright/Taylor Family
Erika's Car when pulled from the tree three weeks after the flood, October 2015.
Photo: Courtesy of the Wright/Taylor Family
Photo: Courtesy of the Wright/Taylor Family
Photo: Courtesy of the Wright/Taylor Family
While I distanced myself from older friends and even family, I encountered new ones. I only let them know things about me here and there. They seemed to be very understanding and it was certainly encouraging to know they too had dealt with similar issues. Because while we all know that no one will truly understand what someone goes through, it does help to know someone who went through something similar and how they coped and what they do now to help.
I didn't understand how much of my actions were actually hurting my loved ones. The outbursts, the distance, the thoughts that came into my mind when I wasn't busy. It wasn't until later that I realized that I needed more help.
To be continued…
