It was my friend's 18th birthday recently. We all decided to visit the beach, swim, skip stones, and sunbathe. We basked in the sun and then visited a French bakery, which he enjoyed immensely since he hailed from France. He even held up the flag in full French pride. It was an eventful trip, and I had fun. We all did, but I had almost chosen not to go.

I call myself an extroverted introvert, which sounds similar to an ambivert where one has periods of being introverted or extroverted. However, I'm always introverted. It's just not as obvious because of how much I put myself out there. I'm known for always being involved. I'm a member of many clubs and the head of a few unofficial ones. I'm always going to as many events as possible on campus, and I love a party or ball with a dance floor.

Yet, I'm not extroverted. I just look like I am.

I am an introvert with my own brand of social anxiety that feeds into my asocial tendencies. I love to be around people, but I'm not often amongst them, not really. I am physically present but often absent in mind or presence. I call it being socially asocial. There, but not. I find those pockets of solitude among the masses. Collecting stones and shells a few feet away from the group. Sitting in the corner, watching the interactions. Dancing alone on the dance floor. Walking with another yet soft gazed and introspective.

It's hardest for me to be around those I call friends because what I say or do can come back at me more often and I can't channel my quirky charisma to charm them like I would with casual acquaintances and strangers because it is finite. I run out and I have little to fall back on. I already second and third and fourth guess the words I choose to say or do in most casual associations. It's worse with friends, and I'm not good at asserting myself amongst those I know.

Among friends, the stakes are higher, and sometimes, I don't even feel like trying. I am more likely to go to a movie alone than I am to go to the city with friends, which is why I usually avoid these outings. I rarely ever feel I am one with a friend group, so I enjoy being among those who aren't as close to me. It's no fault of their own. I just don't connect well with others, and it is harder to be internally isolated from friends because those friends care enough to ask why you are quiet and if you're okay. I appreciate it, and I'm fine. I'm just thinking.

I don't mean to sound all doom and gloom. I laugh. I interact and I enjoy myself. However, sometimes, I hit that limit of social interaction, and my outer extrovert shell starts cracking, exposing the introverted interior. It's vulnerable and easily overstimulated... overwhelmed.

I almost didn't go to the beach. I kept thinking up all the legitimate excuses I had, the past experiences that made these type of outings unpleasant, the various other things I could do as I remain locked up in my room, but it was my friend's birthday. I love him. I love all my friends, and I won't be able to see them as much as I had once been able to this year.

So I said yes because I wanted to try this two-sided friendship thing. They were already reaching out to me. I decided to return the favor. I still like my quiet moments with the lights off and a story to read alone, but every once in a while, I choose to hop into a car with friends and see where we are going next.