These things always crack me up and I love the bachelorette so I figured I'd take a shot at writing a finale recap.
First things first the boys meet her family aka hometowns 2.0. Yayy more awkward conversations with family members we don't care about... oh her sister is here to give the baton of approval? I don't care. Anyway, Garrett meets them first. I thought this was a sign because the first one at the end is the one who gets rejected, but I now realize it's because his time was the only relevant part of the show.
He walks in all goofy and happy as he always is, all cute meeting everybody. He sits down with her Uncle Gary (I think) and it's super drawn out for no reason and Garrett is just smiling away. Then he sits down with her sister Emily, and he starts geeking about Becca and it's the cutest thing ever, amen.
They wrap their hometown and Garrett is still sweet Garrett just being himself the whole time, then Blake comes along for his turn. Was it just me or was he pouting from the moment he got there until the moment he left? I mean if my girlfriend's family kept asking me questions about her other man all night I'd pout a little bit too, but I'd at least hold it in till I was by myself...
Next we get to see Garrett again and they're talking about her family, and obviously, Garrett was done talking about it because he stopped mid-sentence to point out the dolphins in the water. Damn it I wanted to know what he was going to say about her sister... NOT.
Thank God for dolphins to save us from the awkward boringness. They then Titanic-ed and she expressed her morbid feelings about dying there. I think if I were Garrett and Becca said "I think this is where I wanna die" I would've (pretended to) shoved her off that boat. "You said you wanted to die here," I'd say defensively. Then they swam in eel-infested waters and lived happily ever after.
Blake's date was nothing short of boring until he gave her that ugly memory box at which point I was like
"Mother trucker dude Blake's gonna win."
And finally, the big reveal, who will get off the boat first to have their heart broken? After what seemed like the eternal commercial break they decide to tease us again showing both men on little fishing boats that their legs basically hung out of. Of course, they show Garrett first. My heart skips three beats, and I almost slip into a heart-attack until they show Blake too and my heart catches up to pace then repeats when they show Garret again, AND THEN, I see Blakes lanky-ass legs get out of that tiny-ass boat, and the joyful tears fill my eyes. I jump off the couch spilling my pizza rolls and Doritos and knocking over my tub of ice cream.
For the first time ever, the person I want to be picked gets picked!
Chris Harrison continues to throw Blake a pity-party by asking him about how he's dealing with the breakup when this happened 8 months ago, and he probably got together with Krystal in Paradise. (They're perfect for each other both having ear-aching voices that make you wanna drink orange juice and clear your throat everytime they open their mouths.) Any-who Chris talks about him having a fan base and I'm like looking around like where? I don't know a single person that wanted Blake's whiney, sulking ass to get the final rose. Clear your throat and maybe we'll like you a bit more.
Chris brings Becca out and it's so unbearably awkward. CHRIS WHY ARE YOU PUTTING US THROUGH THIS PAIN? He just keeps asking questions and dragging it out and all I want is to see Garrett fricken propose to Becca.
The moment we've all been waiting for. Garrett gets out of the tiny-ass boat, but with more swag than Blake and his goofy smile across his face. Then after a 6-mile jog, he arrives at his future fiancé and he starts geekin' about their relationship and going on about their future kids and grocery shopping, and she's like "shut the eff up and let me talk." The whole world had a fleeting moment of doubt. Then she's like"I love you, bitch. I ain't ever gonna stop lovin' you bitch," and his heart restarts, and they make passionate love and dance around a bit which made my life.
Chris brings them out as a couple for the first time and they're so happy and cute, but then they start talking about Instagram likes... first of all, I didn't read up a ton on this situation, but are you really trying to condemn their relationship over him liking some political memes on the IG. Do you not see how happy this woman is with this man? Don't ruin that for her because you're a single cat-bitch. Freakin' millennials.
Okay, what about when Chris dedicated a whole section of the show to Garrett and Becca's sister's "connection." For a second I was confused on whether he was engaged to Becca or her sister Emily. You have to admit they lowkey have some chemistry. I feel like when they were discussing who she should pick, Emily was like, "you pick Blake and I'll take Garrett." I guess she'll have to settle for being the sister-in-law.
After all the awkwardness we get more glimpses of how happy this couple is together. Chris gifts them with a trip to Thailand and an ugly van that looks like it won't start (if that tells you anything about how downhill the budget of the show is going). The couple seems so excited for the journey they're about to take, all the corgis that will run around their home, and their Costco membership.
I have reached the end of my ice cream tub. Nothing but love for the happy couple and really hope they have all those kids they kept talking about.
