Here are things you can expect to find at the Renaissance Fair: A fine layer of soil on all your clothing, a leather shop, lessons on weapons training, bawdy shows aplenty, more dust on your shoes, jousting, using a whole tube of sunscreen to stave off the Florida sun, people dressing up like faeries, people dressing up in steampunk outfits, people dressing like faeries dressing in steampunk outfits, turkey legs, corndogs, a man frantically shouting about pickles, arts and crafts of various types and qualities, an aire of anime convention-ism from the crowds cosplaying as Legend of Zelda and Game of Thrones characters, mead, how much friggin’ dust is even on my shoes now jeez??, falconry, death-defying feats, less death-defying feats, axe-slinging competitions, restrooms near the axe-slinging competition that make you anxious when using the port-a-potty, people dressed as nymphs in trees, Her Royal Highness and twenty attendants accompanying her, tomato-flinging, a magic act, a unicorn, men making sexual innuendos and taking the ‘period’ aspect way too seriously, an amazing harp player, organic candles, wiener-dog racing, acrobatics, your shoes now looking as though you went through the Gobi desert, men getting into duels, women getting into duels, a maypole, shirts that say, “Wenches Love Me”, shirts that say, “I Get Out at Knight”, flowing tapestries in the wind, beautiful crystal necklaces for too much money, college students you recognize selling flowers, a mud pit, gypsy dancers, pygmy horses, fortune-telling for $20, psychic palm-reading for $20, face-painting, henna tattoos, a pillory for executions, carnival-style games, a snarky performer on the Wheel of Doom who gets applause when he takes off his shirt and lifts a chair over his head, dust in the hard-to-reach places, that same pickle salesman who you can now hear from the other side of the festival, hammocks always full of people napping, people with wolf pelts they got at the leather shop that make you slightly uncomfortable, an adult comedy show that you walk out on in the middle even though you laughed anyway, wooden tabletop catapults, a live mermaid of about 17 years of age who fishes out beads at the bottom of her to give to kids in exchange for dollar bills, getting lost in the endless maze of display tables, someone with a bad Italian accent acting as the nefarious bad guy in a sword fight, pirates, veggie burgers that taste like nothing, sweet potato waffle fries, ice cream dropped on the ground, discarded plastic goblets in the bushes, going up to a craft display and looking at a metal art piece only for it to fall apart in your hands as you move the gear, a Shakespeare troupe, random acts of chivalry, elephant rides, camel rides, coming back to the organic candles because everything smells like dust, Trekkies thanks to that episode of Big Bang Theory, people pretending to be indentured servants to others, a swinging horsie-ride, smoothies, exuastedly milling out of the place at 6:00, a shower to get rid of all that dust...
Here are things you can expect not to find at the Renaissance Fair: The actual Renaissance.
The Tampa Bay Renaissance Festival goes on until April 2nd. Tickets are available online and start at $20.95 for adults, $12.95 for kids.
