Epilogue To Easter

Epilogue To Easter

Why some Easter traditions don't make sense.

If you stop and think about it, Easter doesn’t really make sense. Some holidays are heralded in advance for months. Others, like Easter, fizzle out before midnight on the designated Sunday. Part of the problem with Easter is that it is downright confusing. Why couldn’t it be on a stable date, like Christmas? If that isn’t practical, then how about a stable day? You know, like how Thanksgiving is the third Thursday in November every year. How is the date for Easter determined? I’m glad you asked. Apparently, around 325 CE, the Council of Nicaea, who had nothing better to do but pick the spinach out of their teeth and determine that Easter would be held the first Sunday after the full moon, after or on the vernal equinox.

Now there’s a tidbit to entertain your friend with at a party.

The other thing about Easter that makes no sense to me is the food. Easter, when Christians celebrate the resurrection of Christ, who was Jewish, traditionally like to make ham for Easter dinner. That strikes me as a little ironic, or snarky, if you prefer. Also, what is with all the candy, and what does that have to do with anything? Don’t get me wrong; I’m for chocolate. Lots of chocolate. But does anyone find it a little macabre to have small children biting the heads of the Easter bunny? Speaking of that famous rabbit, he is a glorified misplaced mascot at best. What in the world does the bunny have to do with the Resurrection of Christ? Unless society got it wrong all those years ago. Maybe the rabbit was supposed to be eaten, instead of the ham and “they”, meaning the people who get to make the rules on these things, got it mixed up because of the migraines they were sporting when trying to figure out when Easter actually was supposed to be that year.

And bunnies with eggs? That is just wrong on so many levels. So, let’s review a little before moving on. Easter is a holiday for which you practically need an advanced degree in math to predict, we eat ham to celebrate an event that happened in Jewish territory, and we teach our kids that bunnies lay eggs that have candy, not chicks, inside them. And then, to top it off, we make them eat Peeps. Those have got to be the most disgusting candy of all time. I think calling them “candy” may even be a little generous. Did you know that Peeps have lots of sugar, carbs, yellow dye, and the same sort of wax that is in most car waxes? That afterglow your kid has after eating Peeps is not a sugar rush. Your kid is waxed and buffed and would make any car jealous.

The other part of Easter that I scratch my head about is the “New Easter Outfit”. Surely this is a joke, especially for those of us that live in the Northeast. If you live in the country in the Northeast, it is even a bigger joke. When you think of a new Easter outfit, you picture something light and Springy, something that can be worn into the Summer. Insert scoffing here. Around here, there is as good a chance of snow as not. Maybe we should start a new tradition, say Easter Snow Pants? If it isn’t snowing, then we are in that season between Winter and Spring. Around here we call it Mud Season. Somehow, traipsing through three inches of slimy, gooey mud doesn’t make me want to go out and buy brand new sling-back open-toed sandals. If there were an Easter Parade around here, the announcers’ dialogue would go something like this:

Marge: ”Bob, what a beautiful day for Easter, isn’t it?”

Bob: “Why yes, Marge, and we’re getting quite the look at the latest spring fashions.”

Marge: “Oh, look at that! See that girl with the purple snow pants? How adorable. Oh! Too bad! That sled she was on totally clashed with her outfit.”

Bob: “But look behind her, the redheaded boy. Now that is a picture to behold.”

Marge: “Yes, he is certainly strutting his stuff with those new muck boots and mud splattered dress pants.”

Bob: “Marge, that isn’t mud. But look over there! We have that teenager texting while walking in her new open-toed sandals. Now there’s a style you don’t usually see around here.”

Marge: “Oh! That’s too bad. Looks like she lost one of her shoes in that big mud puddle!”

Bob: “Marge, that isn’t mud.”

Marge: “Well folks, looks like we’re going to have to wrap it up. Our view has just been cut off by 857 cows going in for milking. Watch out for that mud, Bob!”

Bob (sighs): ”Marge, that isn’t mud.”

In short, those dainty shoes and light weight outfits don’t belong here in the Northeast this time of year. Which brings me to the next tradition that is short on common sense: The Sunrise Graveside Service. Sounds like fun, right? Not to burst any traditional bubbles here, but in our area, this activity should be thought through carefully. Cold metal folding chairs in a cemetery and trying to pay attention while scraping frost off your glasses doesn’t sound like something that is conducive to piety to me. And then, after making everyone get up extra early, and freezing their hot cross buns off in a cemetery, they have to go into the church and be pleasant. Everyone has to act all cheerful as if they didn’t miss a hour and a half of sleep, stick to a cold metal chair for thirty minutes, without even having their coffee yet.

Easter isn’t, and should never be, about the bunny, the eggs, the candy, the new outfit, nor even about the coffee (gasp). Which is why around here we don’t say “Happy Easter” but “Happy Resurrection Day”.

Now that is a tradition that makes sense.

Cover Image Credit: OneWed

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13 Summer Struggles Only Thick Girls Understand

Chaffing. So much chaffing.

Summer is a lovely time. A time of cookouts, swimming and sunny weather. But if you're a " thick girl," summer sometimes brings more unpleasantries than it does for slimmer women. No matter how beautiful and confident you are in your body, it can bring some struggles.

1. The living hell that is shorts shopping

Step 1: Find the biggest size the store has.

Step 2: (If you can even get those on): Realize your stomach is being squeezed into the top, your butt is falling out of the back and your thighs are having the life squished out of them.

Step 3: Realize why winter isn't so bad.

2. And dealing with them even after finding a pair that "fits"

Nothing like taking a pair of shorts home you remember fitting you okay in the store and then walking for 45 seconds and pulling them out of your butt or crotch 17 times. Truly a magical experience.

3. And every bathing suit you try on shows more skin than you'd planned

Even the most conservative bathing suit turns into cleavage-city and a non-cheeky set of bottoms turns into a thong. I promise, older people glaring at me in my sexual bathing suit, I didn't mean for this to happen!

4. Chaffing. So much chaffing

No better feeling than 4 minutes into wearing short shorts realizing that your inner thighs are literally tearing themselves apart. Body Glide and baby powder are a thick girl's #1 necessity.

5. Loving rompers. Rompers not loving you.

Rompers are made with short and skinny girls in mind. Heaven forbid you're not short, and heaven forbid you're not skinny. Rompers are like a mystical article of clothing that, no matter what, always just barely doesn't fit.

6. Imagining wearing a sundress with a strapless bra and just laughing

Of course, not all thick girls are well-endowed in the boob department, but if you are, you understand how hilarious the thought of you wearing a strapless bra truly is.

7. And bralettes are a thing of fantasy

Once again, bralettes are designed for a very specific body type. One that I do not fall into.

8. Feeling like you need to constantly defend yourself for dressing like you want to

There are so many posts and tweets and just general ideals that people have that certain sized women can't wear certain clothing. You shouldn't feel the need to defend yourself for wearing a cute crop top or a bikini, but you will.

9. And always feeling looked at when you're rocking your swim suit

Yes, I see your judging eyes, and yes, they are making me feel like shit. It doesn't matter how confident you are in your body, people looking at you like you just killed somebody just because you're wearing something typically made for smaller women doesn't make you feel good.

10. Did I mention chaffing?

I just felt like something so horrible couldn't just be mentioned once.

11. Online shopping for cute summer outfits and then none of them fitting you correctly

There's always the dreaded "one size fits all" for plus-sized women. As if there's just one way to be plus-sized. No matter how much they promise online that it'll fit well, it won't.

12. Seeing tiny girls complaining about losing their "summer bodies"

So many tweets talking about choosing food over a summer body. So many profile pictures of traditionally skinny women. I'm not saying that thick girls are the only ones who can complain about their summer bodies, and thick girls do not have a monopoly one not feeling confident in their bodies. But it is hard to see those posts knowing that those women would be glorified in their swimwear while you'd be gawked at.

13. The "you go girl!" comments on your oh-so-brave bikini photos

Compliments are nice, and positive comments while wearing a bikini go a long way. But the dreaded "you go girl" comment just seems so condescending. Just treat me like anyone else you'd see wearing a bikini. I promise, I'd like to feel like that.

Cover Image Credit: Sara Petty

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10 Times I Love Returning Home To Suburbia Maryland

What are yours?

During the summer I temporarily part ways with the concrete jungle of NYC and return to my home childhood home in Maryland for a few months. I miss the Big Apple dearly during this break, but there are a few little things I can only do in suburbia, that I don't have the ability to enjoy when I'm back the city.

1. Driving

There's something invigoration about driving your own car and not having to depend on the subway or an Uber to get around town.

2. Friends

I'm really blessed that I have so many good friends at home. I miss them all A LOT during the school year, so it's nice that I'm able to come back and pick up exactly where we left off.

3. My queen-sized bed

I think this one is self-explanatory.

4. Drivethru

This goes along with driving, but I LOVE being able to order a McFlurry and fries from the comfort of my own car.

5. Movies (with reclining seats)

The average movie ticket costs about $17 in New York, which gains you access to a packed theater with tiny seats. In Maryland, $12 gains you access to a movie theater with seats that recline to the point that you are laying almost horizontal, for an optimal viewing experience.

6. Nature

I'm not even the outdoor type, but it's so nice walking outside and seeing actual green grass and trees without having to ride the train half an hour to Central Park.

7. Wild Life

This might just be because I live near the woods, but I see all type of wild animals on the daily. Most of the time its deer, but I also sometimes get glimpses of bunnies, fox, squirrels, birds of all sorts and horses occasionally.

8. Baths

I don't trust dorm bathtubs so there's something about coming home to all my bath bombs and shower jellies to taking a nice relaxing bath.

9. Annoying my baby brother

Okay, well, he's, like, 14 now, but still messing with him (out of love) is one of the best things ever.

10. My parents

I wish I could go back in time and tell my high school self to spend more time with my parents because they're really amazing people and they're probably the biggest thing I miss when I'm at school.

Cover Image Credit: Tessa Dobrow

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