At the beginning of a new year, the calendar resets. Our datebooks sit waiting to be filled with coffee breaks and dinner dates and those days where we say “I’m not going anywhere today”. It’s a proverbial blank slate and anything is possible.
But that’s not exactly the case, right?
For me, I’ve lived the same day 22, 23 times now*. I’ve had my share of good days and bad days, days that I would love to live again and days that I’d much rather forget. But regardless of my feelings towards those days, they’re going to come and some are going to have their bags packed full of memories.
When I first watched Disney’s Inside Out, I didn’t think that there was going to be much of a takeaway. But by the end of the film, I realized that sadness compliments joy. I learned that it’s okay to miss the good times, to wish that it was possible to go back to the way things used to be. As life changes and years pass, memories can fade into oblivion or they can stay packed together, waiting to be recalled at any moment. With our train of thought already doing a lot of the work, social media has made it easier to remember everything we’ve been through.
Honestly, I see social media as both a blessing and a curse when it comes to memories. Through various platforms, we’re able to document our lives down to the minute, making it easy to scroll through and revisit the past. Our words tell our story and we illustrate them with our photographs, making it easy to just close our eyes and step back in to the memory of that day. And now, because of Facebook and Timehop we’re just a click away from looking at everything that happened on this exact day years before. I’m almost always amused by what past me has posted as I rediscover inside jokes and shenanigans from over the years but sometimes there are days that carry more sadness than joy.
In today’s world, in a time of loss it’s become a social norm to compose a post to share on social media. It’s a way of expressing one’s feelings, a way to pay homage and tribute to someone (or something) that has made a difference in one’s life. It can be a comfort, when people react to it in support and good will. But when a year passes and that day comes again, now with all its baggage, those moments of sadness and pain can get the best of you.
For the past 3 years I’ve dreaded the month of February; the amount of emotions and memories could fill a cargo yard. Because of the loss that I've experienced, February has become the month where I’m really able to recognize how much my life has changed and how far I’ve grown as a person. I’ve done my fair share of writing my feelings, of posting pictures and opening up to all the people I’m connected with on Facebook. But this year I knew that something needed to change.
This year, I didn't want to dread February. I didn't want to send myself into an emotional hibernation as I used to just to make it through the month. I realized that to move on, I couldn’t bring myself to post another memory or write another tribute to the past. I needed to let what had already been said exist on its own. And plus, if I was going to heal from the hurt, I needed to start working on creating new memories. I needed to find a balance between what once was and what is now.
By marking the new days with happiness, I keep the love and laughter in the past memories without tainting them with new feelings of dread and sorrow.
Of course, when the time came I embraced the memories with an open heart and a lot of tears. But I smiled too. I smiled because I know that I am so lucky to have had that time and those experiences. The chances to make those memories.
By letting the days carry their own bags, I was able to say hello and goodbye with a combination of joy and sadness, without letting the memories weigh me down.
This post is dedicated to the memory of all the beloved pets, friends and family I carry in my heart and mind all throughout the year.
* If you want to be picky, I’ve only lived through 5 leap days.
