It was a regular morning for Ball State University student Jacob Hedlepki, 21, until he opened his email inbox, only to be met with a flood of Bath and Body Works coupons and also a bunch of icky goo.
Gross.
According to Hedlepki, the gloopy glop first started oozing out of the inbox ever so slightly and then began pouring out at a breakneck speed. The goo-sludge was a translucent purplish-brown with a stink smell like old waffles or something.
"It was really so grossy bad," Hedlepki states. It was so grossy bad in fact, that Hedlepki had to step out of his lecture due to the tragic prime time slime time explosion. Said his Psychology professor, Dr. Richard Bards, "The gooey was so soupy soggy. It really became a distraction to the other students." One student added, "At first, it was kind of fun, like the Kids' Choice Awards. But then, it got noopy nasty and I didn't like it no more."
Unsure of what to do, Hedlepki finally decided his best bet was to take the mega mucus machine to the Apple Store. "I had to run to my car while my computer spewed skunk syrup all over the campus. I felt saddy for being the mayor of Sludge Town," Hedlepki said, very saddy.
Four hours later, the entire Genius Bar of the River Hills Apple Store was covered in sour Shrek cream and still at a loss. Said Apple Store employee Riley Carver, "I've worked here for five years but this is the first time I've come across a laptop leaking ucky nasto juice." Carver claimed that the Geniuses tried everything from deleting emails to rebooting the computer, but it only made things worse and the laptop eventually began "goin' goo ga crazy again but this time with big ol' crunchy chunks, too."
Eventually, the moo shoo goo shoo chunk puddle absorbed the laptop within itself, rendering the device useless. Hedlepki left the store with a new Macbook Pro in hand, having had to pay out-of-pocket as Apple clarified that Apple Care does not cover "crispy crusty stick scum problemos."
Hedlepki reports that he has had no goo problems since when opening his inbox, other than still receiving four thousand Bath and Body Works coupons a day.
