Edith and Gene Turner are two wonderfully wrinkly, old people. Want to know what is even better than them being old and together? The fact that they have been married for a little over 50 years! With half of marriages ending in divorce, it is absolutely fantastic to see that some couples still manage to beat the odds stay together for so long. Since it was a slow news week (and people like to read about old people, so f*ck it) we decided to interview the Turners about their marriage!

We decided to ask them how they met and what led to their first date. In an incredibly heartwarming manner, Gene grabbed Edith’s hand, smiled, and began to explain. “Oh we met at a party. Originally it was a one night stand. Before gravity came into play, Edith had the firmest knockers I had ever seen in my life!” Edith smiled shyly as Gene continued to describe their first encounter. “I knew I HAD to get up in that. I ended up knocking her up after only doing her once! Can you believe it?!? Condoms weren’t that reliable back then, so I thought it really wouldn’t make a difference if I just didn’t bother to use one! Edith wasn’t complaining, why would I?”. Gene gave some insight on the knowledge they lacked back in the 60s. “I really didn’t think she would get pregnant. Back then we just assumed the lord would keep anything from going through the cervix. Plus, I didn’t really know much about the role semen played in pregnancies”

Fun Fact: Did you know early studies of human reproduction show semen is actually needed in 99.99% of pregnancies?

Back to our interview with the Turners, Edith took the center stage and began to discuss the troubles of the initial process of getting married. “Well, after I had woke and thrown up while eating breakfast for the third time in one week, I thought something might be up. That was when I decided to get tested. It, of course, came out positive. I remember after the doctor confirmed the pregnancy, he asked Gene ‘are you two married?’ and Gene got down on one knee and proposed right there”. Gene laughed and spoke. “It was the right move to make! That meant 9 months of risk-free, unprotected sex! Not like she could get double pregnant!”

From what our interviewees have said, values of the relationship really were a lot stronger and more emotionally-based back in Gene and Edith’s time. Even when it came to planning Gene’s bachelor party, Edith was extremely involved. Actually, she was literally involved! Most of their wedding budget went into getting the pregnancy test, so Edith acted as the stripper for the party, as well as “back-room” entertainment for the other guests. Only a dedicated man would let his fiance come to his bachelor party. Take the tip, modern lovers

“The wedding ceremony was so beautiful” said Edith, who then eyeballed her wedding ring, and then looked back up at us to continue. “Gene’s parents ended up helping him purchase wedding rings for the ceremony. It was truly nice of them. They said Gene could just use up their retirement fund to buy them! They were so humble about it. They acted like they didn’t even know what I was talking about when I mentioned it to them!”. We looked at Gene after Edith said this, but he just shrugged.

While hearing about why they got married was certainly interesting, tons of people get married. It was how they managed to keep the flame going for over 50 years is what interested us the most.

“A lot of people think having a child can strain a marriage a bit, with much of the couple’s focus going into the child and not each other” said Edith, “Well, it is all about how you go about it. In order to have us give attention to each other, we would take little ‘vacations’ where we would just ignore the baby for a few days at a time”. Gene gave his input on the situation. “After they reach 2, they are pretty resilient. A 2 year old’s survival instinct will kick in if you let it. It let me pay much more attention to Edith when I knew our son, Joshua, would find some kind of nutrition if he was hungry enough”

Edith also talked about how having one child is the perfect amount of children for a long-standing marriage. “You won’t have to worry about being too tired to raise another child. Most couples feel strained after the second or third. Me and Gene found putting most of your attention into one was the best for us”. “Don’t be afraid to have an operation to prevent pregnancy. We really didn’t want to have another child. A friend suggested I get my tubes tied, but we wanted to take it a step further. That's why I got my tubes stapled. It was f*cking painful, but it's much more effective”

Fun Fact: Getting a female's tubes stapled was an experimental treatment that an unlicensed vet only performed on Edith. It is illegal everywhere

Sometimes a little uncomfortable to talk about publicly, Gene and Edith didn’t mind giving us some tips for the bedroom that managed to have it never get dry. “The bedroom becoming routine is an issue that is bound to happen for all couples” started Gene, “but not being afraid is the first step to keeping the fire lit”. Edith described one of the first ‘kinky’ things they tried in the bedroom. “It was called the ‘reverse pregnancy’, or as others might say the “Freudian shove” where instead of using maybe a toy to stick in my vagina, we would use our son Joshua and put him back where he came from for a few seconds at a time”. Gene assured us Joshua was very young at the time and he had no memory of this, though unrelated he’s never made eye contact with Edith.

One act Edith said was her favorite was called the “ash tray”, where she would just have Gene light cigarettes and put them out on her vagina. “We used to go through two packs of Marlboros a week. We didn’t even smoke!” said Edith and gave us a cute wink.

Gene’s favorite way to spice up the bedroom was an act called the “Primary Debate”. How he described it was Gene would wear a mask of whoever was president at the time. While wearing the mask, Edith would shout different things she didn’t like about their different policies while Gene stimulated himself to sometimes biased, sometimes unbiased points she would make. “Edith would really do her research. If she was ever watching CNN that night, I would go gunning for one of my masks”

For the last part of the interview, we asked them what they specifically thought was the most important part of a withstanding marriage. At the same time, like they were somehow telepathically connected, they both said “communication”. Edith took over to explain. “If there is one thing that has kept me and Gene together, it's the fact we also let each other know what we are thinking all the time”. “I don’t think there has been a single day where Gene didn’t say ‘I love you' to me, even if he only started meaning it after 2 years of marriage”. Gene spoke, “It is also important to let them know when they upset you as well. That’s why I also don’t think a day has gone by where I haven’t called her a c*nt, either”. Everyone in the room laughed hysterically, then Gene broke the laughter when he turned to Edith and just said “c*nt”. Edith turned to us, “Now THAT one he’s meant since we got married”.