Trigger warning: Eating disorders

Please do not read if you are susceptible to being triggered.

Eating disorders are not beautiful.

They are scary. They are ugly. And they take over bodies like no other. Struggling with an eating disorder is something that never goes away. It's always in the back of your mind, no matter how many years go by free of whichever disorder has you by the throat.

The slightest memory of binging has me trying to catch my breath. Throwing up when I'm sick only makes me want to throw up more, and I end up in a puddle of my own tears. Someone talking about calories makes me want to look at the nutritional facts for the first time in years. When I get asked to fast before a surgery, I have thoughts of never eating again.

The thoughts never stop. My mind goes a million miles a minute when I'm thinking about food.

The good news is that I'm now strong enough to handle these thoughts. I don't give into the voices in my head anymore, and my life is a whole lot better now that I have a full tummy.

It's been years since the last time I acted upon the thoughts I was having and I will never go back to the destructive actions that used to crowd my mind. Rather than my eating disorders screaming in my face everyday, it's more of a whisper coming from a distant room. Sometimes they get brave enough to raise their voices, but I also have become brave.

Brave enough to fight. Fight for my life and for my happiness.

If you struggle with any form of eating disorder or mental illness, please know it gets better. You have to want it, though. You have to want recovery more than anything you've ever wanted before. You have to fight every single damn day against these monsters in your head.

Some days will be easier and some days will feel like your last, but keep fighting. Healing isn't linear. It won't happen overnight.

Just don't give up and never be afraid to ask for help.

Hotlines, Links, Numbers—Don't be afraid

Crisis Text Line: Text SUPPORT to 741-741 (24/7). Trained counselors can discuss anything that's on your mind. Free, 24/7, confidential.

Depression & Suicide

The Trevor Project Call 866-488-7386 (24/7) Live Chat with the Trevor Project (Fridays 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM EST)

Dating Abuse & Domestic Violence
loveisrespect Call 1-866-331-9474 (24/7)
Chat Online with loveisrespect (7 days/week, 5:00 PM to 3:00 AM EST) or text loveis to 22522

National Domestic Violence Hotline Call 1-800-799-7233 (24/7) Email the National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)
RAINN: Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Call 1-800-656-4673 (24/7) Live Chatwith RAINN (24/7)

Child Abuse
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline Call 1-800-422-4453 (24/7)
National Safe Place Text SAFE and your current location to the number 69866 (24/7)

Runaways, Homeless, and At-Risk Youth
National Runaway Safeline Call 1-800-786-2929 (24/7) Live Chat 7 days/week, 4:30 to 11:30 PM CST
Home Free Family reunification program provides free bus tickets to eligible runaway and homeless youth.