I'm going to be really honest here for a second. Even though I'm doing a lot better than what I was about a month and a half ago, I'm still struggling with anorexia. It's really hard to make sure that I eat enough in a day so that my body doesn't get burnt out or so I don't almost blackout from not having enough fuel in my system to keep me going.
All of that is hard, but the pressure from the media to love your body all the time is probably almost harder to deal with.
I'm not saying that I don't agree with all of the body positivity campaigns out there because I wholeheartedly do, and I wholeheartedly believe that all bodies are absolutely freaking beautiful in their own ways. But, it's still really, really hard for me to love my own.
Because I used to be considered plus-sized by fashion industry standards, whenever I hear the term now, I feel super conflicted. On one hand, I rationally understand that that's just how my body was, and that's the size I was, but on the other hand, I think I still tie my sense of self-worth to what the numbers on the scale say and what size jeans I wear.
I'm also aware that that way of thinking is super problematic, and, I'm getting some professional help with being able to put all of that into perspective.
One of my favorite professors says, "words mean things," and the word "plus-size" carries with it connotations about body image that are deeply problematic because it stems from a lack of self-love.
To be honest, I can write about self-love and body acceptance until I am blue in the face, but until I actually start to believe what I'm writing for myself, it's not going to click. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that anyone's body looks. Every body is freaking beautiful and badass and absolutely amazing — but I think it's time I start to realize that my body should be in that category as well.
It's just so hard to love and accept myself exactly as I am when I've been struggling with the symptoms of this awful eating disorder that makes me feel like I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough, or good enough.
So, when I hear the term "plus-size," I get conflicting feelings of both admiration for the women who are bigger in size than me who are totally rocking the skin they're in, and I get feelings of shame for how I look, as well.
I realize that it doesn't have to be that way. Yes, it's not going to be easy, and it might be one of the hardest journeys I've ever had to take, but I don't have to feel ashamed of the way that my body looks anymore. There doesn't have to be this black and white, either/or, way of thinking when it comes to my body.
It's OK to work at starting to love my body and cheer on women who are already at that point of loving themselves. It doesn't have to be a state of self-sabotage.
I don't have to be the self-destruct girl anymore when it comes to how I view my body.