I thought about this question for a while. Since I never struggled with anorexia, bulimia, or any illness along those lines, I thought I was doing perfectly fine. Food and weight started to take over my life. When I realized I was gaining weight, which was caused by something out of my control, I wanted to start cutting back on food and start exercising when nothing was in me. I looked at people I knew who struggled with starving themselves and wanted to take tips on how to do so.

You could look at me and think "she doesn't look like she's struggling," "she's a healthy weight," or "she looks five pounds heavier."

No one knows the eternal struggle that goes on daily. I am traveling around the world, eating different foods, living in different places, so that means my body is going to change due to this season of life I am in. After every meal, I plan how much I will eat for the next one. I may not have what you refer to as an "eating disorder," but my relationship with food and health has become toxic.

I posted a few stories on a social media account talking about this mindset and how I began cutting out gluten and dairy because it was helping me digest food better and made my skin healthier. I realized though, if I cut those things out, it was easier to avoid unhealthy foods like cake, ice cream, pastries, pasta, and pizzas. So when I would go out for lunch, a salad with a protein was basically my only option on the menu. There is nothing wrong with those foods though, in moderation, I just know I struggle with self-control so I felt the only option was to fully cut them out instead of learning how to have a healthy relationship with them. A close friend of mine, Melody Pierce, reached out and educated me on what I was feeling and that it was okay to open up about what I was going through without downplaying the situation.

Melody Pierce is an eating disorder survivor. She struggled with her relationship with food, as well, since she was 10 years old due to the passing of her father. She battled with anorexia for six years but thankfully was supported by her community and found a treatment that worked for her and she is now fully recovered. I really look up to Melody since she now uses her past to educate and help others who are dealing with this illness or something similar.

When she responded to my stories explaining what I was going through, she encouraged me and basically told me that it is okay to claim what I am going through even if it wasn't anorexia or bulimia. I asked her what was the difference between an "eating disorder" or just an "unhealthy mindset?"

"Eating disorders are all different and categorized by the DSM-5, this is a manual that therapists and other mental health professionals use in the diagnosis of mental disorders. However, any negative relationship with food is disordered eating and is something that a person can be relieved from. For example, if you are obsessed with healthy food you could have orthorexia but even if you are not dealing with the full array of symptoms or behaviors associated with orthorexia — if you are displaying just one behavior that is something that you can talk to a professional about and get help for. So, the moral of the story here is, if you have ANY negative associations with food or your body there are people (like myself) who are qualified to help you live an even better life. I think we all need to have a broader perspective of what a body looks like."

I really appreciated someone validating my feelings towards my unhealthy relationship with food. I never wanted to talk about it because I either felt dramatic or maybe I was just going through a stage. She ensured me that regardless of what you are thinking that if you are struggling even in the 1% that you should talk to someone about it. Melody is also a coach for individuals struggling with these unhealthy thoughts and I have linked her contact information below.

I try every day to tell myself that I will be ok, but sometimes the conversations lead into self-hate and wishing I looked the way I did eight months ago.

It's exhausting waking up and having a constant dialogue playing in my head about how I am going to starve myself of something today and then end up binging or snacking late at night to just feel something. Food has never filled that void though, neither has running when I am exhausted and feeling weak. I want to be able to create a healthy relationship with food but that will start with self-control. Learning to take care of myself and ignore those negative thoughts. Learning how to feed my body correctly and fuel it, but not cry after eating a scoop of ice cream because "it ruined everything." A specific event can cause these thoughts, it could be a way to cope with a situation, but also, nothing, in particular, needs to cause it either.

Regardless, your feelings are valid. You are not going through this struggle alone.

"I wish I could tell my younger self that I mattered, in my early years I always tied my self worth to objects that were so unstable such as clothes, weight, and status. I wish I could tell my younger self that none of those things actually matter and that I was the one that had so much purpose and belonging already inside of me. We often scroll through social media sites and see the same body type- thin. I encourage everyone to make sure you are following different body types, religions, genders, ethnicities, etc. on social media to give yourself a better perspective of normal."

If you, or a loved one, are struggling with negative thoughts towards yourself, food, etc. please reach out to someone trained in "Health Art Every Size" to take steps towards "liberating your mindset and living your best life." Also, check out the "Well and Weird" podcast by Holly Lowery. You can follow Melody Pierce and her coaching business on Instagram @steps_recovery. You can visit her website. You can get help and get better.