Tonight I was put majorly behind my self-appointed schedules by a string of friends who had all been out and decided to talk to me after a beer or two, or much more than that. So, I decided I'd take that as an opportunity to relax and to reflect and to think about the art of the drunk call and the different people who might be making them, as well as their order of enjoyability.
1. The "Too-Friendly" Caller
You know the one this is. It's like the phone call equivalent of the stereotypical drunk girls in a bathroom.
Except instead of being endearing and short and soft, this quickly becomes as long and drawn out as a "quick conversation" with your mom, with the person on the other end just constantly telling you to listen to them and repeating themselves and talking about how much they love you.
Of course, if you have nothing better to do, this is a super cute and fun conversation, and even if you are busy, it still helps you re-establish how much your friend or acquaintance truly likes you. All-around not a bad call to receive!
2. The Heartbroken Caller
This call is always a wildcard because the reason your friend is sobbing to you on the phone can vary from super serious and upsetting for you both to the most arbitrary and hilarious minor inconvenience.
If the former, this call is very rare and very emotionally taxing so should rank lower on this list. If the latter, you'll see why this call is still pretty high on my ranking.
I've had friends call me crying for every reason from someone they were super into being a dick to them at the bar, which is pretty intense, to them realizing they had just eaten the last of their snacks, which is pretty funny tbh.
This call almost always ends with some mood changes, laughter, and "I love you" and for that reason, it's not a bad call to get.
3. The Chatty Cathy
This is the too-friendly caller's counterpart, taking up a lot of the same aspects but amplifying them and making it impossible to say goodbye.
The Chatty Cathy caller will talk your ear off about nonsense for hours and is usually too drunk to make sense while they're doing it, talking in circles and falling asleep mid-sentence at times.
When getting off the phone with the Chatty Cathy, use caution because they very well may call you right back after. It's best to just let them talk of their alcohol until they get bored or pass out, your input is rarely actually required.
A tedious time, but not an altogether awful one. This is the drunk caller I usually am the most.
4. The "Can You Bail Me Out?"
This is a pretty damn inconvenient phone call to receive, especially if you yourself have been out earlier that night.
A friend or family member who got a little too rowdy in the night and for (hopefully a minor infraction like public intoxication or disturbing the peace) was arrested and made to sit in the drunk tank for a while until you or someone else is able to post their bail and bring them home.
Nothing about this experience is fun and it's the only call on this list that requires you to leave your house. All around a bad time, tell your friends to drink more responsibly if this ever happens to you.
5. The Dreaded Ex
With this, we reach the end of our list, The Dreaded Ex call is the worst call you can have to happen to you when people you've known go out drinking.
Whether this ex is just someone you've had a messy breakup with or they're someone who ruined your life and caused you a lot of pain and traumatic experiences, this call will still fill you with fear when you realize WHO is on the other end of this.
Best case scenario: they leave an embarrassing voicemail in an attempt to win you back. Worst case: it's completely unpleasant and painful and they are calling just to harass you.
The Dreaded Ex is the absolute most unpleasant drunk call experience and if you're responsible, you'd block their number (assuming it hasn't changed). Honestly, exes should just fuck off and let us be.
So there you have it, the best and worst of my drunk call experiences, the best and worst of what your friends are likely to throw at you. If it's after 2am, and it's a weekend, you might just be better off not answering your phone. Drunk calls are a fun time if you have the emotional energy to play phone roulette, though! Anyway, have fun kids and drink responsibly!