I began my college career in the Fall of 2017 at my absolute dream school. I had everything worked out since my junior year of high school: the acceptance letter, the money, the major, the friends, the Pinterest-esque dorm room, the roommate, the three-hour distance, and lastly, the concluding happiness that this school would bring me.
As I counted the months, weeks, and days down until move-in day, I never missed an opportunity to talk about how great my future school was:
"Oh, the campus is so beautiful!"
"The people there care about you — they really do."
"I will be able to perform and that is my main priority."
"I have already made so many friends and we are planning on spending so much time with each other."
"I don't care about the price as long as I am happy. And I know I will be happy."
All of which I always said with a gleaming smile spread across my face. This was my dream school. My future. The next four years of my life. My happiness.
And everyone praised me for figuring it out and finding a place to spend the "best four years of my life."
But through it all — all of the praise, support, and encouragement — no one ever warned me about what to do when my dream school, the one that I had spent years fantasizing about, turned out to be a catalyst for my own destruction.
A month into "the best four years of my life," I was blindsided by my own brain as I stopped going to classes, getting out of bed, making efforts to be with friends, even eating.
My mental health was paralyzing me.
And unfortunately, even with the aide from my closest friends and the few professors that I took comfort in, I was still not able to overcome the reign that my mental health had on me.
I wasn't happy. I wasn't comfortable. And I wasn't able to perform which undoubtedly added to my discomfort.
So, that is when I made the difficult decision to leave my dream school — leaving all of the theoretical future happiness that I had constructed in my mind over the years there as well. I was leaving everything that I had ever wanted. And although it was devastating and I cried and cried and cried...
I do not regret it for a moment. Leaving my dream school was the best decision I have ever made.
I wanted to better my mental health, and at the end of the day, I had to realize that my dream school was never going to make that a possibility for me and that is okay.
These past few months have been hard as I was coming to terms with where I saw my new future and where I saw myself in them, but I could not be any happier with where I am right now. I am succeeding in classes, I am actively participating in activities that require me to get out of bed on the daily, and I am surrounding myself with people who want to see me better myself — it is everything I could ask for.
Sometimes dream schools aren't always going to be your dream school. Sometimes they are unexpectedly toxic for your well-being and it's in your best interest to pack up everything and leave...just like me! I definitely still do not regret it.
