College is hard, but when the going gets tough, the tough get drunk.
Breakup: Wine
A breakup deserves some quality time in with the girls, sponsored by numerous glasses of Barefoot Moscato. It's sweet enough so you can drink the whole bottle and has enough alcohol to make you cry away the pain. Bottle to the face.
Boy Struggles: Tequila Shots
Tequila is the ultimate "I'm doing me" drink, and I always recommend it. There's nothing a tequila shot can't fix. That boy you loovvveeee, but has no idea you exist is dancing with another girl? Tequila. That boy you never really dated, but kissed once? Tequila. That boy who totally stares at you in class actually has a girlfriend. TEQUILA. It gives you the warm and fuzzys inside and is the perfect motivator to drunk text that boy who stopped responding to your HILARIOUS snapchats.
Sick: Shots of Crystal Palace
If your nose is stuffy and you're fighting off a cold, then a few shots of Crystal Palace will clear you right up and open up those sinuses. It tastes better than cough syrup, and you'll definitely feel great in the morning!
Life is Shambly: Champagne
If your life is generally going down the shitter, it's time to grab the squad and pop some Andre Champagne. It's classy af and puts you in in the partay mood. So what you failed that test? Andre still loves you. So what you're broke af. Andre is only $7. A little party never killed nobody.
Seasonal Depression: Endless Tequila Sunrises
Tequila sunrises are the splash of light at the end of a horrible winter. It's like the first time you go outside after 5 straight months of nothing but snow and darkness. Tequila sunrises taste like a tropical breeze but have the magical power to keep you warm when it's 5 below, and you're in a crop top and bodycon skirt.
Poor af: Burnett's (in a water bottle)
When you're poor and chugging out of a plastic water bottle in the bar bathroom because you can't afford to buy drinks, make sure that water bottle is filled with Burnett's. After a couple shots of the $7.99 vodka, Burnett's turns you into a straight up baller that doesn't need a budget.
^^What happens when you drink Burnett's^^
Failed a Class: Pound Natty Lights
So maybe you've got a 50 in macro economics and you're going to need to get a 200% on the final exam, but at least you've got a 36 pack of the highest quality beer to make you forget, at least until Monday.
Writing a Paper the Night Before: Vodka Red Bull
Some may argue a Red Bull is sufficient enough for pulling an all nighter, but I say go big or go home. If you're going to be slaving away all night at the computer you might as well enjoy yourself!
