Greetings, swine of the earth. Upon my latest injunction with the university, I have been given the rigorous task of creating a set of regulations that will be detrimental to your health, safety, and yadda, yadda, yadda...I stopped listening to the Judiciary Board when their statements no longer applied to me. However, you will at the very least have the distinct honor of receiving my knowledge. Although I am inclined to believe it would be more effective to impart this knowledge on a room of Labradoodles, my other option was another term with the geology department, and they are literally lower than dirt. Well, students, here it is: Dr. Sheldon Cooper's College Roommate Agreement.
1. In Regards to Food
Nutrition is a crucial part of human life. Therefore, you must consume food. But, you must eat your food, and only your food. Do not touch another individual's Thai food because you believe it "looks good." I wish my girlfriend, Amy Farah Fowler, would understand this point. Of course my food looks good, that's why I want it, and why I would like you to keep your contaminated fork out of it.
2. In Regards to Personal Hygiene and Bathrooms
Do not neglect your personal hygiene, as it affects more than just you. I should not be able to smell you and the cruciferous vegetable you consumed last night as you walk past me on campus. On a similar note, I should not be able to tell what you ate last night based on your fecal matter; flush the toilet and, for those males who lack decent coordination and aim, wipe the seat of excrements.
3. In Regards to Sleep Schedules
It is likely that you will not sleep in college due to your inability to grasp concepts in an efficient span of time. However, there may be among you a prodigy, not unlike myself, who wishes to get some shut-eye. Since you are the subordinate to such a prodigy, you must pay them respect. This means allowing them to sleep, and not waking them with your bothersome socializing. In the case that you do so by accident, several verses of Soft Kitty would always help me descend back to my slumbers.
4. In Regards to Research and Other Studies
College is the time for you to fill that hollow skull with some meaningful information. You will have to work diligently if you wish to make any progress, although from here you can only improve. Do your work, and do not put others in the position to share research. If I discover certain properties of dark matter, I want to publish the work on my own.
5. In Regards to Media Usage
Many people, except the likes of Howard Wolowitz, prefer to listen to soothing music over the unmelodious metal sound of bands like Nickelback. I do not, nor will I ever, feel the desire to look at your photograph. Therefore, only blast music if it's good music. Otherwise, use your headphones. No one wants to be deafened by your insufficient taste in music.
6. In Regards to Laundry
Since laundering your clothing is a fundamental element of not smelling like a chimpanzee, I must provide some rules. Make sure that you are cognizant of the time, since it would be illogical to let clothing remain in a machine so that another person could not use it. Furthermore, clean your lint trap at the end of your load. Although you are so uneducated that you do not know how to operate a dryer, it remains a fire hazard. Your inadequacy must not put others in danger. On the other hand, I do not wish to touch the hair you shed onto your clothes.
7. In Regards to Flags
Vexillology is one of my favorite recreational fields of study. Since I realize many of you are not sufficiently intelligent to understand, vexillology is the study of flags. Flags are a spectacular use of visual cues to embody a message, represent a country, or reflect a cultural practice. You should have fun with your flags! Hang them where you like, as long as it does not interfere with your roommate. Be proud of your flags and learn about the flags that other people hang in their spaces.
8. In Regards to Care Packages
I grew up in Texas, but luckily Mee-Maw still sends me care packages. They are often filled with goodies that she knows her Moonpie will love so dearly. Unfortunately, my roommate. Leonard, never seemed to appreciate the train sets that she sent. Somehow these presents always led to the discussion of how he had to build a hugging machine because his mother did not care to be affectionate. I discovered there was a correlation, so I stopped sharing about my care packages. You may not want to share your packages, either, especially if they are only good to use by yourself.
I have found that the best way to be a good roommate is to complain a lot; Leonard practically functions as a servant to me. If you have a problem, make sure to talk to your roommate. If you are consistent in your grievances, you will surely be able to force them to change.
