Dear Past Loves and maybe Future loves,
You can't just come into my life and expect me to expose all the skeletons in my closet because you claim to want to know me, to hold me, to comfort me through my past, to love me in the present, and to have a future with me, but then judge me for me. Judge me for the mistakes I made, judge me for doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, judge me for talking a mile a minute, or even judge me for loving you.
The first conversation is usually casual, with no expectations, just a fun time to experience fresh laughter, a new face, a new feeling. You can't expect me to fall in love with you on the spot, because you either want attention, something to fill the hole in your heart, a mere distraction from your last relationship. Because when I do fall in love, and I do generally fall in love pretty quickly, I latch onto you for life, unless you keep pushing me to that scary edge, to that uncontrollable emotional side of me, to that violent, tears on my face, and nightmarish laughter. In fact, when I meet (met) you for the first time, I hold back that side of me. I try to be the girl that you can fall in love with, because I don't want to miss finding my soulmate, the guy that I am destined to be with.
But I hate the promises that you make. I hate it when you say that you've never found someone like me, because that's not true. I hate it when you say that I'm not "crazy," like your exes, or "clingy," like random girls in your dms, because that is me. That is the side I try to hide from you, from the world, because when I did reveal that side of me, people left. People laughed. People judged. And that included the very same people that claim to care, that claim to be there for me even at my worst. I came to believe them at the time, but now I know better. Now I know that I just can't..be myself.
Maybe the reason that I write is because I have too much emotions. Books, movies, famous quotes generally give insight on those who have a big heart, those with their hearts on their sleeves. But I think otherwise. I generally believe I'm cursed. I generally believe that I won't find a love that would stay, even though I would cross those oceans for the people I cared about. (But I won't do that forever, if you take me for granted or never prioritize like I prioritize you). I don't think I'm asking for too much: I just want someone by my side, holding my hand telling me that I'm worth loving, that I'm not that damaged to be a lose cause, that I am what someone would want for the rest of their life.
Which is why I can't handle wishy-washyness. I can't handle the inconsistency. I can't handle a vicious cycle of hot and cold, of mean words, and then nice ones, of yelling, and then laughter. The shifting of positives and negatives have been such a huge impact on my life and my mentality that I can't tell what intentions people have. Why they stay, why they want to talk to me, why they want to love me. Is it boredom? Is it lonliness? Or is it even just wanting to prove a point to themselves? To others? Regardless, I am not a toy. I'm not someone to be used when you feel like it, when you come across me by chance.
Don't promise to love me when you don't know how. Don't say you do when you don't know the least thing about loving someone. Love isn't a feeling. It's a commitment. It's sacrifice. It's putting someone else before yourself. It's never conditional. I never loved someone and expected them to give me anything. I just wanted equality. And if that's conditional, then I don't know what unconditional means. And I doubt I don't know how to love, because I've always put my all into everyone. I've always been there, I've always sacrificed my own happiness for the wellbeing of others, I've always been there physically, emotionally, mentally. And maybe that's why I'm tired.
I've been drained all my life, just loving others, putting my energy into them.
I just want an equal. And if that's so difficult to find, or want, why do we love?
